Let me just go ahead and state the obvious. Well, for me. Maybe not so much for you. I feel slighted sometimes. If you care about me, then I expect a level of support from you! Period. Hence the no question mark. It’s not a question. It’s a statement.  Now if you’re more concerned about who am I speaking about that’s for you to figure out. I may be talking about you. If the shoe fits, wear it. I will no longer pretend that the lack of support is not a bother to me, because it is. I haven’t said anything to anyone personally. Yes! It’s more than one. It’s quit a handful of people who love me, but don’t love my drive. Maybe because it’s no money coming from it. The first mistake I made was relying on people. But what’s really wrong with that? What’s wrong with wanting support and encouragement. What good are people if that is not expected from certain people. I said certain. I don’t expect everyone to follow my lead. No. But for some people, yes I do. I will not deem myself to be considered weak because I trusted that people would take me a little more seriously being who I am to them. BUT!! Thank you! Your lack of interest in me and what I have going on is only motivation for me to get it down. Even if that means doing it alone. I’ve learned a long time ago that, what God has for me, it is for me. So I will no longer pout and/or expect anything from anyone through my work of art & dreams. Anywho, enough about people. Expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed right? Well with that being said….

Sometimes I feel closed up and boxed in. I want to be released. I’m ready to press the restart button! I have always been a go-getter. And my daughter gives me so much drive and push. And that’s what I need to always remember. That’s the priority.  She doesn’t know it yet, but she is my number one fan. I’ve gotten so caught up on lack of support, I forgot my own courage. (You see how the devil comes in many forms to distract you.) I can’t lie and say that I’ve gotten of my mark some what. But today I am bouncing back. I know who to seek help from. 

I’ve prepared a “To-Do” list for what I want my day to consist of. And first and foremost that is to wake up with God. Prayer! Speaking things into existence. Believing in all things I want and need even when I don’t see it yet!

 I want that feeling of togetherness again. To feel whole in all my dreams. To feel whole in my life. I’ve come across a few stumbling blocks on my path to success and I’ve allowed my emotions to get in the way of the task at hand. Not anymore. I don’t regret it. Pretending to be strong and feeling defeated is exhausting. So I allowed myself to go through the motions. And now, I’m ready. In the chaos I want to always remain at perfect peace. And no one other than Jesus Himself can grant me those wishes. I’ve allowed the let down of other people, PEOPLE distract me from what I’m doing. *Tsk tsk* Enough is enough. I will let my success speak volumes for itself. God has a purpose for me! And I will fulfill. 

Even with the honesty I pour out to you in this blog, God is restoring and restocking me. I need it. I want it. I want to stand up and stand out. I will no longer doubt myself, because others doubt me. God didn’t give me the spirit of FEAR, but spirit of POWER, LOVE, and a SOUND MIND! How do people walk around mentally wrecked and not take the precautions to get the devil out of their minds rent free is beyond me. I can’t live like that. I won’t. I will no longer live in fear of uncertainty. I know that only God can put back in me what has been leaked out. Worry won’t worry me! I know I have to trust God, and His process! And that’s real. And what really matters.

In my time of happiness, I have also realized that I can not be fully happy if I fail to realize where my source of strength comes from. Like I said before, I refuse to claim myself as weak because I relied on people. I know now, and I have learned from it. *Discernemt is a powerful thing, I pray for it.* I can’t expect people to want something for me as much as I want it for myself. Mistake! I’ve never needed an entourage to keep me relevant or afloat. So why is it such a disappointment? It’s a disappointment because everyone is not who they protray themselves to be. Whether it’s a family member or friend. Regardless of blood or not. I am not built for everyone and everyone is not built for me. I have learned that you can love people to ya lungs gives out. But loving people is knowing people. 

I read in a T.D Jakes inspirational book: Healing, Blessings, and Freedom.  365- Day Devotional & Journal.

“The praises of men fall into the abyss of a leaky heart. Only God can save you, affirm you, and speak to you how you feel about yourself.”

That is so very true. Well said Bishop. The fact that I am aware of where my source of feeling complete comes from makes me proud of myself. I always try and find the good and God in every situation I may find myself in. I have learned from past pain in my life that God has accomplished something in my character and in my spirit. And this little funk that I am in (was in) is only a reminder of who I am and who I want to be. So with that being said, I know the mountain of emotions I am feeling is truly for my own good. Like a wake up call. Ya know, and eye opener! And despite the hurt and frustration behind it all. I know, I know with prayer and hard work, God will see me through as He always has and always will. I know my life is not based on luck. Not even in the littlest form. I would have been dead  a long time ago. His grace and mercy is sufficient. Today is the day. I started by writing this blog post. And I’m going to finish it by submitting the “publish” button. 

No more relying on people for what I want for myself. I have responsibility to myself and most importantly to my daughter. I am no parent who believes in, “Do as I say and not as I do.” Hypocrite. I would never raise her up to be the woman that I can not be. So I will put my best foot forward and do what I know God has created me to do. I will hold my head up despite what it may look like or feel like. You know why? Because I walk by faith and not by sight. I fell short of that. I’ve been troubled in my mind. Reckless. Confused. Angry. (And I do mean angry.) Misunderstood. But God….

Well I’m going to wrap this up and leave this here. I will no longer entertain the devil and the many shape and forms he comes in with his wacked out self. I have addressed the problem and I’m leaving it right here. Where my creation has started and where it will flourish.

Bearth all things, believth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 1 Corinthians 13:7

Jesus never said it would be easy. I just know when it’s not easy that the gates will open and rain down on me! I will get double for my trouble because I did exactly what God wanted me to do. Trust Him. And I do. I’ve seen it done. Everyday. It’s the little things folks. Weapons may form, but they WILL NOT prosper!! I love you Jesus…

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30 

#IJS