Love & War (i remember)

I remember when my husband deployed for the very first time to Afghanistan in 2010, I was twenty years old. I was (and still) am so proud of him, but I was so scared he wouldn’t come back. In all truth I was preparing myself for something that had not even happened, but it was definitely a possibility.

How would I feel? Where would I go? Not in a physical sense, but emotionally. I fell in love with you before the uniform, and I promised you I would love you during it and after it. I set and wondered would it be the very thing that took you away from me? (Bows head.) I remember sitting there; needing to cry so badly, tears didn’t fall, not even one. (Sigh)

The days before you left you were so different, so distant. (Just talk to me.) I knew you had the weight of the world on your shoulders, and still right there while I’m watching you pack to leave me for months, forever maybe (Teary eyes) all I could do was think about myself. Selfish, that’s what I was, so selfish. I regretted it as soon as the car turned the corner. What about you? This whole situation was about you. I wasn’t even caught up on us. I was solely focused on me. All I could think about was what if you…how would I? Where would I? I was too selfish to think about how you felt. You were the one leaving. I never thought how you felt leaving me. How you felt about the possibility of…. (You know.)

I remember our last night together before you left. I looked at you. I just stared at you. I don’t think you even realized. I looked at you from the top of your head to the soles of your feet. I closed my eyes and I said a silent prayer “God please just bring him back.” I opened my eyes and thought about the first time we met. (I’m smile) I instantly regretted every argument, every disagreement. I wanted to erase all the bad times and prolong all the good times, all the laughter and love.

Everything around me was so surreal. It was like a movie. I saw people have these emotions on T.V. it seemed like. I had never experienced anything like that. I didn’t even know anyone who did. And if there was, or is a book out for how you are supposed to feel in these situations I hadn’t read one. Is there really a directory, a guide line about handling Love & War? (I’m sure it really is.)

“Please don’t go” that’s what I asked through invisible tears.

“It’s not that simple” was what you said to me.

I looked down at the ground; it was a chilly night for May. Somehow my body felt over heated, when I finally cried my tears where warm as they slid down my face. I wasn’t crying uncontrollably. They just flowed; I didn’t even make a sound. (This makes me sad, this feels just like yesterday.)

Our kiss “see you later” was so still. I couldn’t even enjoy it, I was fighting the thoughts of wondering if it would be the last time I felt you, and when I opened my eyes… I knew you were thinking the same thing. You looked at me, but we never made eye contact.

“I love you” that’s what you said.

“I love you too”, I felt like I was drowning in my own thoughts. My heartbeat gave me a headache, it was so loud. I was disconsolate.

When I opened my eyes everything was silent, and I was alone….

Let Us Pray…

“Give me the greatness of heart to see, the difference between duty and his love for me.

Give me the understanding so that I may know, when duty calls him he must go.

Give me a task to do each day to fill the time when he’s away

When he is in a foreign land

Keep him safe in your loving hands

Lord, when his duty is in the field please protect him and be his shield

And Lord, when his deployment is so long. Please hold us close and keep us strong.”

Amen.

Marine Wife, Red Lipstick…
-Thank you God, you brought him back! Not just once, but twice. For those who don’t understand why I believe in God so much, this is one of the many reasons why. My life is not based upon  luck , bu Gods Grace & Mercy.

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