I would ride out to him like it was nothing, like it was second nature. I mean, it was. I always wanted to spend time with him. Especially during the holidays. It just, it just felt right. Ya know, regardless of whatever was going on, Christmas with him was everything. (Then & now.) I would plan all these ideas in my head what Christmas would be like if he was home, but those ideas came and went as much as he did.
I remember the first Christmas we spent apart. Our very first Christmas apart since we had known each other. I hated it. I really didn’t think it would be that hard, but it was. We would talk on the phone for hours. I remember he would be in the barracks, in someone’s room, and I’d even chime in on the conversations they were having with each other. It was sweet, and the fact that he hung out with his boys, and me all at the same time, made me happy. But I really just wished he was home with me!
Nothing turned out how I thought it would during the holidays. Not even close.
I spent the first Christmas with him gone, sad, and lonely. Lonely, around a lot of people. I missed him so much. He seemed so much happier than me. He promised me it wasn’t as easy as I thought it was for him.
I remember spending a lot of time at his house. His mom even gave me a key. (Maybe she always knew that one day I would be her daughter in law, for real.) Staying at his house back then kind of made me feel closer to him when he was gone. But then sometimes it made me feel worse. Sleeping in his bed. Being around all his stuff. With each day that passed it seemed to only get harder, and time went by so slow.
I thought I was going to go crazzzz-E!! During the Christmas holiday I would try and enjoy myself with my family, and friends. But as the night got later, it was harder not to really miss you. The parties would end, people would leave, and then I’d be somewhere looking like a lost puppy, thinking about him.
And the worse part was, I couldn’t even call you. I remember I would legit cry myself to sleep. And I would wake up only walk up feeling the same way I felt the night before. I felt that way for so long.
Until you came home from Afghan, like a week before Christmas! Everyone was so happy to see you. But not more than me. I would take off work for like a week. Oh. My. Gosh! I felt like every thing was rushed, and on a time limit. One minute you were here, and the next minute you weren’t! It all happened so fast. Like, dog on! Rushed time with him really worked on my nerve.
I remember that one Christmas I literally, LITERALLY waited for him to pop out, or up from out of some where, anywhere!! I stayed up until 1 o’clock in the morning, waiting to see if he was going to show up. But then he called me, from Japan.
I just wanted him to be home!!
When it was good, it was still bittersweet! We spent more holidays apart at one time in our lives, then when did together. When we were together everything was good. But when we were apart it was like pulling teeth. So, yeah, that made the holidays even worse.
I never got use to it. I just learned how to deal with it, that’s all. So, so, sooo sucky. Every second of it sucked.
One Christmas I helped your Mom and sister decorate the Christmas tree. I was so sad, I think I actually cried. Who knows. Shoot, I cried so much back then I can’t even remember. But it felt good to be around, even though you weren’t around.
I wrote the lyrics to, ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’ by Mariah Carey on a piece of paper, and put on it on the refrigerator. I thought you would see it if you popped up at home.
I use to be so glad when Christmas came and went, and the New Year too! Every holiday was draining. I didn’t even care about the gifts. I just wish he could have mailed himself with them, ya know.
The thoughts I use to think, just wondering what my future holidays would be like. I wondered if one day, just one day, I would have him just how I wanted him, right here with me.
And now we’re here, together.
God is amazing. AMAZ-ZIIIING! Like, to see just see us now. That is nothing but God. We dog on sure ain’t lucky. WE ARE BLESSED!
Like, really though! Really though.
The struggle was real. Things were looking real thin, even during the holidays. I didn’t get on social media a lot, it just always made me feel some kind of way. It reminded me how much he wasn’t home then. How much I use to feel alone. Now, I ‘m posting us in ugly sweaters for parties we got invited to!
Isn’t it crazy how life turns out, after you look back over all the things you have been through. The things you’ve been through with someone you love.
I am really in awe sometimes. And I’m feeling it right now at Christmas.
We have our own little Christmas family tradition now that I came up with. And the fam-bam seems to enjoy it. So, Christmas morning we get dressed in our Christmas PJ’s!! It’s sooo cute. I am super excited about this years. Well, I’m excited to see Robs this year. He went all out. *Screaming Laughing* We put up the tree together, which was really fun. I love how Rob wants to be apart of every single little thing. He even stepped in the kitchen last year and made the ‘angel eggs.’
When Rob turned off the lights and cut the tree on, Naomi’s reaction was priceless!!! “Awwee! Momma, Dada, AAAMAAAAZZZING! *As she twirls around* See, these are some of the things I thought about doing before I ever thought I’d ever actually be doing it. Naomi’s PJ’s and my PJ’s always usually match pretty close. I feel like we nailed it this year! I think we should be on the front of Christmas cards next year. I’m Just Saying…
To be able to actually live the life that I have prayed for keeps me humble. It keeps me grounded. It keeps me focused on the bigger picture, family.
Christmas time can be a rough holiday for a lot of people, and in some aspects I can sympathize and empathize with you, and in others I cannot. God bless you and your family during this time of year. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.