A Journal to My Daughter

Naomi. Naomi. Naomi.

Girl you’re everything and more! You just give me so much life. The older you get the more you amaze me and make me smile, even when you try my hand. I promise I wouldn’t have it any other way. Like right now, you know you don’t have any business messing with your toilet paper unless you’re sitting on your pot! Talking about, “Okay, okay, I sorry.” Like, what? I just laugh! You’re so hilarious! Oh. My. Gosh!!
You’re so tall. All legs. And all that hair on your head. You can’t stand to get it done, and girl, I can’t stand doing it. Your Dada stay having to play referee!  My little Lil’ Bit. And tell me what I am supposed to do with all this sassiness and bossiness?
Okay, so I have a journal that one of my dearest friends gave me when I was pregnant with Naomi, and I’ve been writing in it ever since. She actually gave me three journals at one time, and I am about to start a new one in a few weeks because this first one is almost out of pages. I’m going to share with you some of the past things I have written to Naomi. I haven’t done it in a while, so I am curious to even know what I wrote myself.

“August 17th, 2015
Today was a very good day. I am one centimeter dilated! I’m so excited! Yet, I am very scared all at the same time. I cannot wait to meet my little angel. I feel like I already know you already though. And to see your Daddy just as excited as me, makes my heart melt. I love you baby so much. You mean the whole world to me. And I cannot wait to hold you, and kiss you. I remember January 6th 2015, it was the day I found out about you. I took five pregnancy test, I just couldn’t believe it. I love you Naomi.”

Okay, so that was the very first journal entry I wrote to Naomi. I’m about to ruffle through the pages and see what page I happen to land on next.

Let’s see…

“November 4th 2015
So, we are here all alone. Nana is gone to work, and Papa is out running errands. (Oh, this is when I was in Virginia with my parents.) You’re laying on the couch, right here beside me. You have grown so much on our little vacation. (She is technically not even a month yet, she was born September 5th.) I know when your Dad sees you, he is going to be so happy. He misses us, but I know he misses the heck out of you. You’re eating more these days too. You just smiled at me. You make my soul smile! Your hair has even grown more. You have a cute little afro; your hair is so curly. My precious baby. Mommy loves you forever and always.”

Me reading this now just makes me so emotional. Naomi, you’re so clueless to what you have done to me. I love you so much.

Okay, what’s next!

“June 17th, 2016
So, I just got out of the shower. We went to the gym today with Rachel. (One of my friends I worked out with Monday through Friday, super, super sweet, and motivating!) Today was super intense, but you were a very good girl while Mommy worked out, and I’m very proud of you. Right now, you’re trying to grab the pen and journal. You have the hick ups too. You’re so cute. You have on a white onesie, trimmed, in black with lady bugs and green flowers on it. I’m feeling kind of sad today, so ready for your Dada to get home (Recruiting duty sucks, for those who know, know. Oh, my gosh!) But you make me laugh all the time, everyday! I’m so happy to have you! You’re ready to eat, let me get up and fix you something. I love you Sweet Pea!! XoXo.”

Alright, lets see.

“May 6, 2017,
Girl, girl, girl! You have been a mess. You’re so funny, I am not lying! My Little Peanut. You locked me outside on the deck when I was putting your diaper in the Diaper Jenny. I almost went crazy. I didn’t have a phone or anything. You started crying. I was freaking out. I just kept thinking, how can I get back in this house? I was maybe outside for not even a minute. I calmly told you how to lift the latch, and just like the big girl I know you’re, you did it and let me in. Thank God! You’re so smart. You followed the directions so well. I will not close that door behind me ever again though, I can tell you that. Haha! You do so much now by yourself. I try and help you sometimes, and you say, “I got it.” Sid the Science Kid is still your favorite! You’ve been eating a lot of pickles lately too, I guess that’s your new jam. And cheese!! Oh, my goodness! You love you some cheese! We have disagreements about how much cheese you need not to be eating a day little girl. You’re such an amazing little person! It’s a little after 7:30 in the morning. Your Daddy had a rough start this morning, I’m surprise he didn’t wake you up with all the noise he was making this morning rambling and looking. It’s so sunny outside already Baby Girl!! So, you know what that means! We are going for a couple of strolls today. Yippee! We are going to walk, walk, walk, all day! Get some sleep baby girl. See you in a few hours, I love you Princess. XoXo.”

Okay, so, let me just be honest. *Clears throat* I couldn’t share certain journal entries with you like I thought I could. It’s so intimate and personal, and Naomi hasn’t even read them yet. Not fair.

But…that was a tad bit of some inside for ya. Reading some of those journal entries made me feel like I was right back in that moment again. I remember the first day I was home with Naomi. The first time I cried, because she wouldn’t stop crying. The first time I ran out the house when Rob entered the house from work. The first time I admitted I hated breast feeding. Wow! But I wouldn’t change not one single uncomfortable, frustrating, exhausting thing. I am her Mother, and I will always carry her load when she can’t, because I know who I give my burdens too. And until she truly understands that, I will intercede for her. ALWAYS! My child. My baby. My daughter.

As soon as I got pregnant, I started questioning myself. Every decision I made/make, I think of my child. Is that right, is this wrong. How would she feel? Being gifted with a life is more than amazing. But raising this life into a healthy, wholesome, person, is exhausting and stressful as ever. This is the most unsure I have ever been in life! If I am being honest. But I am okay with that, because that means that I am constantly being imperfective for her. (And my future babies one day.) Some days I’m like, I didn’t do this, I didn’t that, or maybe I did too much of that. And I beat myself up. I start questioning my parenting, my motherhood. I may break a promise, forget something, raise my voice, did she eat too much of this, and not enough of that. I spend every waking moment with Naomi, but then I feel guilty for needing, “Me Time.” And when I have a moment away from her, all I think about is her. I want to give her the things I didn’t have. But I don’t want a entitled, spoiled brat, so I back off just a little bit. When I don’t feel good, bent over with cramps, coughing up my lungs, breathing out of my mouth, the headaches that make me feel like the Greensville Marching Band is doing a field show on my frontal lobe, I muster up every thing in me to take care of you, because my child doesn’t deserve excuses.

“You try so HARD. You’ll still fail at times. You’re Momma, Mommy, Mom…but you’re still human. You’re IMPERFECT but your awareness of your imperfections even in parenting makes you PERFECTLY suited for the job.”

I don’t want Naomi to think I am a perfect person just because I am her Mommy. I want her to see the real me, the true me. I want her to learn from my imperfections, my mistakes, my imbalances, my successes, my failures, my apologies, and my forgiveness’s. I refuse to raise my child(ren) as a woman/person that I cannot even be myself. I want her to be just as proud of me, as I am of her. So, that is why I will show her the real. If I hurt Naomi’s feelings, I say, “I am sorry baby, forgive me.” And that is why at two years old, my daughter already takes ownership of her mistakes, she’s honest. She says, “I sorry.” It’s cute. But on the bigger scheme of things I appreciate it, I’m proud of it. (Some may not get it, and that’s fine.) Trust and believe me, she knows. Our children are smart. Some parents tend to over look their children’s knowledge because they’re, children. I will NEVER over look mines.   #TheReal #BossMommy

Naomi baby, I love you. Forever & Always.