When We Where Young….
See, what you don’t know is, is that I use to hate him. Yep. I hated him. I hated him with a passion. Hate is a very strong word, I know. A word that I seldom use. But if I am going to give you the full effects of this story, then I need you to understand that I hated him. The man I married. The man I have a baby with. The man that is my soul mate and best friend. The man that is my everything. I used to hate him! He broke my heart so bad. I literally did not… know what… to do. I was all over the place, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I grew closer to God when he left me. Pain sent me straight to the alter. I still questioned Him, “But why?” I needed hope, and I found it in Him, because he had left a long time ago.
For a very long- time life was dreadful and draining. Every new day brought a new kind of pain of its own. *Chuckles* I soon learned that every man I thought I loved before him was either lust, or just love, but I have never been in love with anyone, but him. Truth be told, I was devastated in the way I found that out. So much for time heals all wounds, right? I was devastated that we broke up. To me, he was relieved. He went from in a relationship on Facebook to it’s complicated, and then one day I woke up, and we were no longer together. I was legit sick to my stomach. And yeah, he made me sick too. I mean, why??
So yeah, not only did he break my heart for reasons I didn’t understand. (Then.) He humiliated me in front of everyone, in my eyes he embarrassed me in front of the whole world, our world. One click of a button had my phone ringing off the hook. I was embarrassed and ashamed. And please believe me when I say, everyone who called me didn’t call out of concern, but mostly to be nosey. I mean, why would he do that to me? Why would he leave me to answer the dismal questions that my family and friends would ask? I just pretended for a long time that things weren’t what he made them seem. I faked it until I could make it, whatever that means.
I spent endless nights crying alone to love songs I use to listen to when I first started to like him. When I was happy I enjoyed the music, but when he broke my heart, I understood the lyrics.
It sucks when you feel like your heart relies on someone else’s heart.
But then again, was my heartbreak my very own karma?
And this my friends is where the story begins…
Rob and I’s relationship started out as a mix of things. Love, like, confusion, and a slew a of a lot of things that we were and we are. I mean, I would tell you in great depths, but you’ll just make up a story of your own anyways. That’s for those who think they know and have no idea, not even a little bit. But that’s neither here nor there, ya know, since no one is actually getting paid to think, right?
I realized sooner than later, what life was like without him. You know the saying, you don’t know what you have until its gone. Well, ummm, for me it wasn’t really the fact that he was gone. It was more so, me thinking he would never ever leave, emotionally. Him being gone physically was a diminutive part of our problem. You can be many miles away from someone you love, but when someone really loves you, distance is just that, distance. You can live with someone, see them every day, and they still not be there. So, when he left me emotionally, I felt like I was in the middle of the desert alone.
He changed. He changed because of me. But I couldn’t see past my own pain to try and fix me for him.
He was home to me, a dream come true. I never gave him that moment that he deserved before he left. And when he did to me what I did to him, I grew to hate him. But was it really all my fault? *Boomerang* Someone had to be the root of the problem, but to me it wasn’t me, it was him. He grew cold and distant, and all I did was beg. Not for closure, not even for a friendship, (I was way beyond that level to settle for a friendship.) but I begged for us. Friends and family saw my pain, but they didn’t see the detriment of my soul, not even close. My head stayed bowed, and my hands stayed clasped. I prayed for a better me and the old him. Was the last time the way we were, the last time? Deep down I knew we were both sad. He just had a fine way of showing it, so I thought. The constant hit to my heart drove me insane, almost. I didn’t know who I was anymore, because all I knew was him.
I was so scared of having nothing left. Our foundation was shattered, hearts broken into pieces. But what if I never love again? How do I move on, without you?
He was too honest with his words, which further strained my heart. Regardless, his words no longer lined up with his heart. I felt it, I saw it. He didn’t even try and hide it. For everything I interchanged, he exchanged. My body ached, from head to toe, the pain I felt, I cannot begin to describe. But I was too coward enough to take myself out. (Thank God.) But God knows I thought about it. I thought about it too many times. I was so tire of having doubts about tomorrow, all because of the pain I felt yesterday.
He needed a break, and that is exactly what I gave him. And everyday of my life I thought of him. Who he was with. What he was doing. How he was doing. I even wondered if he still had an ounce of love for me, for us.
And then….
I know you probably don’t really understand the story I just told. I don’t know, the more I continued to write, I found out this blog was more for me, then for you. I see a lot of people in relationships, and I love it. The beauty of love is so amazing to me. To give love and to receive it back in the magnitude that I do now makes me believe in God even more. This love is not based just off luck alone. I learned through pain how much I was in love with my husband, back then. I took his love for granted when things were ‘good.’ The hate that boiled through my veins because of him, also made me realize that he had done to me what no man had ever done. I loved him. I love him. And I am so proud of us. To say we have been through hell and high waters is an understatement. We mad it through the long distance, the coming and the goings, the hims and the hers, the loves that we thought would separate our love. We’re our own goals. Our own prayers, wishes, and wants. I no longer will look to my left or my right to compare what is and what ain’t. Because this right here, is exactly what it is suppose to be, us. Mr. & Mrs. Jones. #Body&Soul #120608
I love you so much Superman. XoXo
‘A beautiful life does not just happen. It is built daily by prayer, humility, sacrifice, and love. May that beautiful life be yours always.’
Signed,
A Blessed & Happy Wife.