It’s been five years.
Five years ago, I remember asking myself, literally. “Where do you see yourself in five years from now?” “Where do you want to be?” I asked myself that question five years ago when I spent New Year’s Eve alone. We were so all over the place then. We’ll, I was. It was one of those instances in my life that I will never forget. Nothing stood out about that moment, except me being heartbroken, sitting in my car, by myself. I know now more than ever, because I have it. But I was really unhappy about being away from him on the holidays. Not only because I love him, but to me he has always been family. And the holiday is all about family, right? Family, friends, love, togetherness. I pretended and over compensated, big time.
In 2011, well not quite, not until midnight anyways. I made a New Year’s resolution to leave him alone. I wasn’t taking the ‘unknowing’ with me into 2011. You know that whole thing. “In (whatever year is coming up.) I ain’t taking that into the New Year with me!” (And now look.) I made a vow that I wouldn’t call, text him, or ask about him either. I didn’t talk about him at all, and I didn’t want to hear about him eitha! It was bad enough that I still thought about his butt, ya know! I had washed my hands of the, dubiety. I (wo)maned up, and I meant what I said, and said what I meant. I refused to let my love for him trump (ugh, that name.) What’s another word? Surpass. Yeah. I refused to let my love for him, surpass what I wanted to do. What I needed to do. I would no longer subdue myself to a person and situation that further confused me. (I know now we only confused each other.) I didn’t talk to him at all, nothing. I never accepted the friend zone. Neva!! So, we either were going to be all. Or nothing at all. I broke up with everyone. I don’t believe in unnecessary relationships for the sake of, whatever. I even stopped talking to his momma. I love her dearly. (The best mother in law.) But at the time I felt like the only thing we had in common was him, and that was that we love him. But loyalty always lies somewhere.
I moved on. I no longer had expectations for nothing and nobody. I wanted it so bad. I had come through on my New Year resolution. I didn’t go back on my word. And being that we didn’t talk as much as we used too, before I made the decision it really didn’t make a difference. It wasn’t easy, but it was very familiar. Then guess what? I was about to almost make it a two-year mark, and out of nowhere, he just popped back up. Like, jumped out the bushes on me. (Not literally, ha-ha.) Talk about people making a way out of no way. He kept getting in contact with someone who is dear to the both of us. We’ll I guess I didn’t get rid of everyone what had ties to him, huh. (Not really a question.) We’ll he contacted her, and she contacted me. I was doing okay without him, ya know. I had moved on, in multiple aspects. I finally started to picture life without him for real, this time. I mean, we had started to invest a lot of years with each other. (Crazy.) So, yeah, he done popped back up. And what is the old saying, ‘They always come back.’ Well, they do. And he did. And thank God he did come back. I’d be lying like crap if I said otherwise. But look ladies, don’t always be so flattered when they come back, because they will, and they do, but it’s up to you to factor whether they really should or shouldn’t. Like, really. No play, play. That is my hind and sight method. And it ended up being at all costs to me. I welcomed him back with open arms, in all truth, I didn’t even hesitate. Implanted in the back of my mind, I always wondered, “What if?” But that didn’t change the fact that nothing changed. We just kept doing the same thing we had been doing, nothing. I was all ears when he called me from overseas. And I was right there physically when he came home. But I didn’t know that it would be a catastrophe on my heart.
We spent the next few New Year’s the same ways we had always spent the ones we had a chance to spend with each other. Me wondering what the next year would be like. The wondering and the worrying. And now look, we have New Year resolutions together. (I started laughing.) I guess I’m laughing because I’m not crying. Meaning, I sometimes cry tears of joy. (Literally.) I’m such a water baby sometimes. I think becoming a Mom did it to me.
Like, no one really understands the magnitude of emotions this man has made me feel. And to share one of our favorite holidays together is major. Whether we spent it doing a lot, or nothing at all. The point of doing it together is what makes all the difference to me! The times I would drive through the snow, or in the snow to get to him. Just because of what a day meant to me. Meant to us. Even apart, the memory was always at the forefront of my mind. Always. And I use to front and pretend that I was cool, being away from him. I was so fraud. I was really trying to convince myself otherwise, BAD. I reckon I had to do what I had to do.
Holidays were like playing dice. It doesn’t have to be bright lights, or a room full of people screaming Happy New Year around us. Because when we first found out we were in love with each other, it was in the dark, just him and me.
Just five years ago, I thought I hated him. I made him my freaking go away, never again, New Year’s resolution. I made him a left behind, “I ain’t taking that into the New Year!”
Just, what two, three years before that I was sneak kissing him right under the moon outside, on the side of the house. (Now, that! I could never forget.) It was cold. Our noses touched. And we kissed! I was so giddy. Like it was our first kiss or something.
I guess what I am trying to say is, years and years ago I always wondered, “What if?” I would pray, and hope for the things I have now. Do I have it all? Ya know, all the things I said I wanted for myself five years ago. Heck no!. (Ha-ha.) But I have the most important things. And one is him. And that trumps everything. Hold up! That foolish word again!) Ugh, just makes my skin crawl. But yeah. Every degree, every accolade, every coin, everything doesn’t amount to LOVE, GENUNE LOVE to me! And not we’re succeeding together, with each other. My team mate! That’s what is important to me. To us.
So, do I have New Year’s resolutions? I mean, yes. I guess. But, maybe not really either. I’ve already started my workout regimen. I’ve been eating a lot better. Being consistent with the things I usually procrastinate on. (God knows traveling across the country will change ya life.) I’ve already put in some work on the things that I wanted to start doing January 1st. I mean, why put off for tomorrow what you can do today right? So, will things happen, and change for the better in 2018? Yes. I pray for many, many things this year. Many things.
But after all we have been through. The good and the bad. The horror and the horrible. The oh’s and the awes. I just want to thank God for allowing me to spend another year with him. A year of certainty. A year together, as husband and wife. No more unfamiliarity. But instead a year of unfamiliarity together.
‘And I regret ever complaining.
About this heart and all its breaking.
It was beauty we were making.’
-Sam Smith, Palace.
I am so thankfully in love. Five years later.
I love you Superman.
A Happy Wife.