I’m Gonna Paint It How I Wanna Paint It.

This is my canvas
I’m gonna paint it how I wanna.’
When I tell you I love to write, I absolutely love it. It is my passion. It is my ministry. Chile, it is my calling. I’m like a rapper without a beat. I’m like a singer, without a back ground. I’m a writer. And when I write, I can be who I want to be with no questions. With no hesitation. I can say what I want to say. I can  do what I want to do. I can speak things into my future. And I can keep the past in the past. This is my canvas. ‘I’m gonna paint it how I wanna.’
I have a lot of memories, before what is my life now became my life. But I can’t remember half it. Nothing had a purpose, everything was pointless. I guess that’s the difference between living and existing huh.
You see, happy doesn’t come around often, unless you make it a choice.
When some people ask me questions. Or assume that I have it all together, I laugh. I am no ones perfect person. I’m just a girl in love, got knocked up by the love of my life, and now I’m just trying to live out my dreams with my bestfriend. However, am I different now? Yeah. (Good Lord! I hope so.) I have no desire to be who I use to be. Do I want and chose to do better? Yep! Erday.
I know I talk a lot about love. I know I write about my man a lot and how he makes me feel. I know this. But I also know what it is like to wanna throw in the towel and not explain it to nothing or nobody. I know what it is like to feel defeated and undefeated at all the same time. Underneath it all, there is a person who doesn’t know which way to go but under. But when it’s all said and done, you walk around big headed and bull headed, pretending to be undefeated, when you’re already broken down. I know what it feels like to listen to all the heart-breaking loves songs on repeat while you torture yourself endlessly because music is the only thing that can relate to how you really feel. I know it feels like to just get in your car at night and ride, who knows, just so you can have a good cry. I know what it’s like to wake up happy, until, you shortly realize the reality of yesterdays events that will only spill over into today. I know what it’s like to try and overcome it today. But still, you’re sad about what hurt you yesterday. I know what it’s like to take out my anger on everything else, because I couldn’t address the real problem at hand. I know what’s it’s like to not know what to say. Not know what to do.  I know what it’s like to ponder and try to figure out someone else’s motives and mission with my heart. I know what it is like to contemplate whether I should, or I shouldn’t. I know what it’s like for no one to understand me, but always speak on how well they know me. I know what it’s like to escape the same situation that helped me escape a whole other situation. I know what it’s like to not be able to talk about someone, and not cry about it. I know what it’s like to get sleep, but not rest. I know what it feels like to fall asleep on a wet pillow case. I know what it’s like to hear my stomach growl, but not be hungry. I know what it’s like to have a lot of money, but be broke(n). I know what it’s like…
That is why, I talk about being happy. That is why I allow myself to be happy, despite what they say about love, men, and marriage. I chose to be happy when things and people crumble. I chose to look pass all the rift raft and do my own thing, march to the beat of my drum. I am no longer living a life where I am trying to keep up with people.  I don’t want anyone to ever think for a second that I think I’m better, or whatever.
All I’m saying is, I have spent countless days, holidays, all four seasons shedding tears about things I could and could not change. I prayed for happiness. I prayed for peace of mind. And now that I have it and am learning and practicing how to obtain it despite what comes and goes. It’s a mind set. Get into it. Things that I have experienced, have caused me to be a hell of a person, with a hell of a mind-set, and I know that trouble does not last always, but I know that troubles do come. So, why, entertain the pain and the bull crap, when there are days already built for that? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD ACT AS IF NOTHING AT ALL BOTHERS THEM, BUT IN REALITY, EVERYTHING DOES? We’ll I don’t want to be that person. Some people need to get a grip. Some people have something to say about everything. I’m happy. And I encourage happiness. It’s crazy how people talk about happiness and being happy. BUT ONLY THE DEVIL IS WHAT DRIVES THEM!

I love being married. I love being a wife. I love it all. I pray that I have this feeling for life. Regardless of what the world says. I don’t know what the future holds. All I know is what I want, and what I pray for. I know where my faith and strengths come from. And I love loving on my man.

This is my canvas! ‘I’m gonna paint it how I wanna.’

I’m Just Saying…

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