Unlock Diary

….Freestyle Friday (I did not even prep for this blog I  just came this morning telling you how it is… the truth. The real.)

Right now I am looking at the clock on the computer and it says, 11:47 a.m. It has been a long morning, mentally for me. I get up daily and workout for an hour with Naomi and then we blog or just shower and relax. Those are my daily duties, except for Thursday that is my rest day so Thursday morning consists of Netflix or episodes I recorded that I haven’t had the chance to look at yet! Most of the time it’s Greys Anatomy I just can’t seem to tune in at 8 o’clock I’m always doing something or on the phone.

Anyways this morning I am just out of the loop. However, I did go to the gym and I am blogging now. I can’t allow the devil to have full control of my day. It’s enough that he has me mentality right now. And I will shut him down in just a few minutes, I’ve already let him entertain me this morning more than I like! But I will not lie and say that everything in me isn’t fighting him off this morning but I will not lose. I refuse too!

And in all truth I really cannot tell you what’s bothering me right now. I honestly really don’t know myself. I did not sleep good last night at all and the dreams that I had….I don’t even understand! Or I should say the nightmares I had. Just put it like this I got sleep, but I didn’t get rest last night and for those who don’t understand what I’m saying this is how I look at sleep and rest. Last night I got sleep. I tossed I turned and I dozed off! And when I did doze off I had nightmares and then my mind would be all over the place! Absolutely miserable! I did not get rest. I got sleep. My mind was not at ease. My mind was not at rest. My mind was not at peace. I only got sleep. Not cool!

My spirit is broken right now. So many people around me need prayer for lost loved ones that has been at a high for the last two weeks it seems. Every time I turn around my phone rings and someone has told me that someone has passed away! My heart is so tired!

Listen when I say that I’m praying I AM PRAYING! Or when I say that I am praying for you or praying for them I don’t say it just because it sounds generous! I really am genuinely praying. PRAYER IS LIFE TO ME. IT GIVES ME LIFE. IT GIVES ME PEACE. PRAYER IS THE ROOT OF MY HAPPINESS. I LOVE TALKING TO GOD! So in the mist of me trying to motivate and encourage others right now I need someone to keep me afloat! I really do! I was not motivated to do anything this morning at all but I had to remind myself over and over again, “April it could be worse.” And it really can be. I could be going through the same things that my friends and/or family members are going though.

In all truth though it’s frustrating because I don’t want to seem selfish and ungrateful but I’m just like I’m human too. God made me with many emotions and I’m feeling them today and I really don’t have the strength to be strong. It’s frustrating because I don’t know the issue at hand. I’m not sure because I was up all night thinking of all the things that could go wrong in life, go wrong. And this morning I really think my thoughts have a strong hold on me. Am I walking in fear today? Yep! There’s not a doubt in my mind that I am not. God help me!

The old me would have went on a cursing rampage and turned on some rap music and that would have given me the wrong happiness that I need right now. So as I’m getting Naomi and myself dressed I pray silently to myself for God to give me peace and clarity to whatever it is that I am feeling right now! Because I have realized in the last few weeks I’ve been so concerned with everyone that I love and care about, I’ve been in prayer for hours praying for everyone else and I haven’t said not one word in praise for me! And when I tell you that I am feeling it I am feeling it!

The devil didn’t even want me to pray this morning so I had to start praying out loud. Naomi and I walked to the gym (well I walked technically, hahaha.) I prayed out loud all the way there! It was a few people who were out walking their doggies and they were looking at me crazy! YES! IM TALKING TO JESUS!! Mmm…k! We are alright over here. I got to the gym and I had my head phones on and I listened to my gospel music and I do feel a little bit better than this morning and last night. But I’m not myself! I’m quiet. That’s not me at all I’m loud! From sun up until sun down and sometimes even pass then too.

It’s the devil trying to keep me quiet so that I can’t pray. They say the devil has a few tricks up his sleeve and yeah you’re he does. However I have a few tricks up my sleeve too! The devil use to be my partner in crime so I know a few of those tricks all too well.

Today I’m praying for a peace of mind.

Today I’m praying for clarity.

Today I pray for strength.

Today I pray for joy.

Today I pray for understanding.

Today is not my day everyone. But today I am thankful that I am here. That those I love dearly are here. Today I am thankful for the things that we take for granted until we no longer have it. The little things. The big things. The things that get on our nerves. The things that don’t. So today I will not complain even though I am just not feeling up lifted!

I will take the advice that I give you. Even though I realize it’s a lot more difficult. I just wrote a blog the other day that was pertaining to a glass. Stop looking at your glass as being half empty, look at as being half full and if you can’t do that then be thankful that you even have the glass! So today I am thankful that I have the glass.

Thank you Jesus.

Psalm 34:14 Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace those who minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.

April, girl you be encourage and you stay encourage. For the God did not give you the spirit of fear! He gave you the spirit of power, love and a sound mind!! God is not the author of confusion. For God is not a God of disorder and confusion but God is a God of peace.

Sometimes you got to talk to yourself.

I’m Just Saying…