Unlocked Diary

This blog is called Unlocked Diary because I’m about to let you in on something that is a fear, which I know better. God did not give me the spirit of fear! He gave me the spirit of POWER, LOVE and a SOUND mind. In all truth I don’t always feel comfortable speaking on my inner thoughts, my inner feelings. It makes me feel naked, it ,makes me feel fragile. I find myself at times not even being able to express exactly how I feel at all, not even to the ones I love the most. I think a lot of times it’s because I feel misunderstood. (It’s so frustrating.) See its’s very easy for me to pray for people (I pray all the time, daily.) To keep others lifted, to keep others motivated. To keep everyone encouraged and ready to fight the good fight that they are fighting. Keeping others encouraged keeps me encouraged so all in all it’s a win win situation. However, sometimes I feel closed in, or out in the open like a sitting duck. As if the joke is on me. Then there are those times when I allow the devil to creep in my mind and say “what if?” I soon find myself worried about things that have not happened, and will not happen. But because they said “what if” I get in a trance and I start to wonder, I start to worry. Life and death is in the power of the tongue and today and every day after this I refuse to allow what you say to have authority over my thoughts of thinking what could or what if this happens to consume my heart, or my mind. The God that I know the God that I serve, the God whom I have a relationship with makes no mistakes, and He did not bring my husband and me this far in life and love to only end in shambles. I’ve been told by multiple people “you know you should get you a little side job just so you will have your own money.” Girl bye!! Boy bye!! Whomever else is so concerned BYE! God speed!!Today is the day I Iet go of all this foolishness of worrying about “well what if this happens girl” and “I would girl just in case.” Let me tell you something reader, yes you who is reading this help me spread the word if you love me, and if you are a hater who calls yourself supporting me (yeah right)then you go run and tell your friends with they hating self this!! And I mean this with very strong conviction from the depths of my soul!! IF MY HUSBAND SAYS “ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS WAKE UP IN THE MORNIG.” Then guess what? I woke up in the name of Jesus. Praise Him. To God be the Glory, HELLO HUSBAND!! And NO!! There is not an ounce in me that is boosting right now, because I am very aware that what God giveth, God can taketh. But what I am doing is taking a stand for my relationship and what I believe in .Hold up!! Are you paying any bills round hea? Does your opinion pay any bills round hea?? I thank God every day for my many, many blessing. I’ve always wanted to be a wife, always! Is it validation for me for those who wonder cause you don’t have the balls to ask! No it is not!! However, it is levels to this and I refuse to date any man, love any man for umpteen years and all he has to offer me is all this genuine love he says he has for me while remaining my boyfriend, while he wants wife expectations. No ma’am, no sir. I am who I say I am. I will have what I say I am deserving of and to me that is being your wife eventually in a relationship.

When you went to high school you went to graduate right? Or were you the twenty year old student still a sophomore? You prosper in all you do…correct? Or am I wrong? When you work a job after a certain amount of time, whether it be months or years you expect a raise right? Or you foolish to just sit there and remain getting paid the same without getting what you’re deserving of. OH, so you settle? Just like you feel sorry for me, I feel sorry for you baby. I really do. Because I shamelessly prayed for what I wanted and you are too scared to speak up and own what you want so you criticize me! Just like you’re confused about my way of thinking, I’m still trying to figure out why you’re okay with dating someone and things forever remain the same. Like are you even the girlfriend yet? Now I am aware that everyone doesn’t want to be married. I’m not talking to you, but if you’re so concerned with my jobless butt then keep reading. When I dated I dated with potential. The feeling of having someone NO! NOT SOMEONE THE PERSON YOU LOVE WITH EVERY BEING IN YOU ask you to spend the rest of your life with them as their wife, is everything to me. Is it to you? Maybe not, and that’s cool with me! It really is. However, my question to you is why I am inferior to you because I “depend on my husband” and not myself. For your information I’m not in a one sided relationship so we depend on each other! Oh, yeah I forgot I have no knowledge to what it means to be an independent woman because my husband takes care of me. While you’re carrying the entire load cause you I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T it up! Meanwhile back at the ranch you not telling people how you trying to find a man to help you carry some of that load! You have a job that makes you valid? Well dog on I’m chopped liver around here. Oops! My bus! Unlike you I don’t need paper (money) to give me validation just like having a husband doesn’t give you yours. (And yes I went there.) When I made my vowel to my husband we became one, therefore in our marriage we don’t see each other’s assets as mines or yours, but as ours. For your information I can stand on my own two feet hunny. But team work makes my dream work baby! Why you mad?? Guess what while you so worried about what “can happen” to me in my relationship I’m very sure you’re still looking for yours.

I am a wife! I am a mother! That is what is important to me! So while you’re out here pretending to reach your goals, I’ve already reached mines. (Thank you God I am so grateful.) I guess being a stay at home mom is at the bottom of the totem pole? Oh, my bad I thought I was simply blessed. I’ve been to college, several times to keep it real. I have a degree. Great! I’ve hardly made any money, and I’ve made to much money that my small minded self at the time couldn’t even handle! So what! The tens and the hundreds didn’t make or break me because money was never and has never been my motive. But you trying to find me a job though and you’ve been messing with Bobby for two years and he still can’t help you pay your school loans, and your silly self-done enrolled in grad school. Book sense, Lord….you have all the sense in the world though. But what the heck do I know I change diapers for a living!

Now, I know what you’re saying” money cannot pay the bills” and you’re soooo right! It can’t. Yet still you work hard, pulling over time and in between time are trying to find a man to take care of you. (I’l l wait!) So tell me again why I need to work “a little job to have my own little money?” “Just in case!” IN CASE WHAT??? I ain’t speaking a dog on thang over my marriage!!! And you know what I’m going to stop with this hypothetically speaking crap too. “As a man thinketh, so is he” and I refuse to prepare myself for things that I pray against all the time. The devil may have a few tricks up his sleeves, but one person who has never failed me is God!!! HE IS THE REASON FOR EVERY SEAOSN IN MY LIFE! All I know is when praises go up blessings come down. And I will no longer allow people to worry me into getting a nine to five because “this and that can happen.” For months I’ve been sitting back thinking “what if April, what will you do? You can’t depend on a man girl.” Shoooot!! I’m killing that noise right now! It is approximately 2:33 p.m. and I refuse to let people, a HATER give me their opinions that don’t matter that I allowed to matter up until this point. I love my husband, I am sooooo in love, and Lord God knows if I had the voice to sing about it I would never shut up!! NEVER!!

To some people marriage is a joke; our generation is shot to all hell and the way that some people love now is despicable. However I will no longer allow the opinion of people to interrupt my mind or how I run my house hold or whether I pay bills or not. What is it to you if I have to get down on my knees and beg my husband for money! Only your silly self is with a cheap and selfish man. Why you trying to keep up with the Jones’s anyways? Worrying about me and mines is not the way to getting you and yours!

I’m Just Saying…