The agony. The distress. The self-pity. The hoping and praying, and still nothing. I remember my go to place to cry was in the shower. I always, always play my music when I get in the shower. But during these times all I wanted was silence. I wanted everything around me to be quiet. I just would hear myself sob inconsolably. I was so ova crying to my husband. I’m sure he felt hopeless and helpless himself. Month after month it was the same ole thing. He never knew what to say. I could tell. And honestly, most of the time I didn’t want to hear it anyways. I was too caught up in frustration, doubt, and what ifs. He would just hold me. Or crack some ridiculous joke to make me laugh. He would be lucky to even get a smirk out of me.
Mentally and emotionally I was spiraling down. If I was having a good day and some peace of mind. My thoughts would always drift off to that negative pregnancy test I took a few days ago. I dreaded seeing blood every month. Each month my hopes would be so high with the thought of starting over, and every month unsuccessfully failed me. Same oh thing, just a different month! Ugh. Have you ever wanted something so bad and it just wouldn’t pan out?
Why am I not getting pregnant?
I was like really ready to get pregnant. I had already had my mind set on it when my daughter was one and half. But my husband and I settled on two years to make sure my body was fully healed from the inside out. But truthfully, if anything happened before that, so be it. I just knew I’d get pregnant right away. Right away meaning, as soon as I stopped taking my birth control. I’ve never really been the biggest fan of birth control. It always made my period go bunkers. But after having a C-section with Naomi and not wanting to get pregnant right away due to all the effects that could come from that, I was eager to take the pill to be on the safe side. I was on a low dosage being I was breast feeding and things were going pretty good. Then my husband and me had the discussion and we were definitely ready to expand our family. So, just like that I stopped taking the pill in the month of February. I definitely thought by April I would have morning sickness and achy breasts. Errr! Wrong! I was really wrong, so wrong. April came around another year later and still I was not pregnant. At this point I was starting to get worried. I made doctors appointments to see what was going on down there and everything came back negative. “Mrs. Jones there’s nothing wrong. Just give it some time and lets see what happens” I mean yeah, of course I was thankful that nothing came back positive in a bad aspect. But what the heck man, something had to be wrong! Right? I’m mean, why am I not getting pregnant?
Then it was time to move. I wasn’t necessarily trying to get pregnant at this point. But it wasn’t like I wasn’t trying either. If that makes any sense. The move from Cleveland Ohio to California was so much fun. Not to mention it cleared my mind from the whole pregnancy saga. This whole traveling experience was one for the books. And one of the best times of my life. Whatever state I wanted to visit while on the way to California my husband took me to. But it was work, and a whole new experience for everyone. But I was super ecstatic to be doing it with my husband and our daughter. It was definitely a great experience to share with them. We finally arrived in California after all the pit stops we made in other states exploring. We got somewhat settled in and guess what? BOOM! My period was late! I was low key happy. I didn’t want to jump for joy yet because it wasn’t a fact. But it was definitely a possibility. I was ready but also nervous to take a pregnancy test so I didn’t say anything to my husband. He always wanted to take them together. Which made it even harder for me when it came back negative. Going back and forth with a negative pregnancy test when you’re trying to get pregnant is a punch in the gut and a slap in the face. I wasn’t quite ready to feel incapable again. So, I decided to just wait. A couple of days passed and still no period. Each day that I marked off the calendar I felt pregnant. I even felt blah and nauseated. And what do ya know, I woke up bleeding one morning. I cried in that bathroom too. (We were temporarily staying in the on base hotel until our house was available.) Now that I’m looking back, I probably felt sick and aggy because of all the junk food I ate while traveling across the country. I mean we drove from Ohio to Virginia. From Virginia to California. Well, my husband actually drove the entire trip. But that’s another story. He claims I can’t drive, but whatever. (Rolls eyes.)
Once we moved into our home and got comfy cozy, I spoke to my husband about wanting to go see a OBGYN. We still tried of course in the mean time and in between time. But each month that I still wasn’t getting pregnant stressed me out even more. And of course, I know that stress can be a burden when you’re trying to get pregnant, but geesh! Ya girl was tripping and flipping out. I finally met my new doctor on base, Dr. Michael Miller. I absolutely love him. Now, I can’t lie. When I first heard about having a male obstetrician I really wasn’t with it. I wasn’t feeling it at all. But listen, I would take him over any female obstetrician any day of the week, okay. I spoke with him about what was going on with me and my concerns of not being able to get pregnant. I got my annual Pap smear which was due right at the time of us arriving in California. He too said, “Everything looks fine.” But before he went on to test me any further, he wanted my husband to go get checked first. Now, this is when things became a comedy movie for sure. I won’t get into the nitty gritty of all that. (LoL.) But just know my husband was absolutely fine. I was very happy about the results. But I can’t lie and say that it didn’t make me have many fears for myself. My thoughts were in over drive. I was so anxious and nervous to find out what was going on with my body. So, I was up next with my whole procedure, not as easy breezy as my husbands. Ha! I was scheduled to get a procedure done that would be able to look at literally everything down below and up there. My fallopian tubes, uterus, ovaries, etc. The procedure was so uncomfortable that my doctor wrote me a prescription for volume to take an hour before I had to spread my legs from one coast to the other. I knew I was in over my head when I had to pop a pill to be comfortable enough for something to go up me. Geesh. Chile, let me tell you something! It sounded like I was in labor up in that room. I was sounding off like a siren! I don’t know what was going on up there. I don’t know if something was blocked or clogged, but he cleared the way. I went home that day and went straight to bed. I didn’t even want food, and I always want food.
I don’t know what was worse though. The procedure or waiting on the results to come back. And thank God, the results came back negative for any and everything. I was so grateful. But also very confused. Why am I not getting pregnant?
So, Dr. Miller called my husband and myself into his office to talk to us about something that may help us conceive. I was all ears, because this was all starting to get really strange to me. I mean hell, was I having too much sex? It was all beyond me. I was so eagerwhen he set us down to chit chat. And that is when I became acquainted with Clomid, estrogen modulator. Due to my periods being so irregular. (Which have been since I’ve had a period.) My doctor wanted something that was going to regulate and keep track of my ovulation. I had to go in monthly and get blood work done to see if I was ovulating, which I was. I had to take these five pills at a certain time during the month and of course have sex. Now, this is the thing. I’m married to a marine. So, sometimes he would be in training, in the field, and all that comes with the life of a military spouse while I’m dog on ovulating. I’m trying to have sex while he’s out doing convoy training. Or wherever the heck it is you want to call it, shoot. So, some months were a mess down bust down. And that too was frustrating Chile!
Clomid- is an oral medication that can be used to stimulate ovulation. It works by blocking estrogen receptors at the hypothalamus, which is an important “hormonal control center” for the body. When this happens, the hypothalamus is stimulated to release follicle stimulating hormones (FSH), and luteinizing hormone (LH.)
Chile, I did a lot of praying in this particular time of my life. This was different for me. I’m a faithful prayer, but in this time I prayed with a lot of frustration and doubt. I was so angry! I just couldn’t understand. I would question God and His plans for my life. I felt so guilty at times because I didn’t want Naomi to be alone. The thought of not being able to give her a sibling broke me amongst other things. Then the last time my period came on, I vowed that I would trust God. I was exhausted. I was tired!! So tired! Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I threw in the towel. One morning I was listening to T.D. Jakes, which I do several times a week. And he was speaking on sacrifice. “How can you ask God for an increase with no sacrifice?” God has always given me what I’ve wanted, but it’s always come with a price. (Sacrifice.) A much worthy price though. So, what’s any different this time around. He (T.D. Jakes.) also said, “Have you done all you can do in the form that you’re in?” Ya know, it’s easy to praise God, but do you trust Him when things are in complete disarray? I knew I had to reprogram myself. I just kept saying, “What God has for me, it is for me. He knows the desires of my heart. I trust You Lord.” I was tired of being angry, sad, and doubtful on a day to day basis while still raising the one child that God has already blessed me with. I told myself I would solely rely on His word and trust His plan for my life. I’ve seen the work He has done for me in my personal life and even in others. So, why would He fail me now! I am a firm believer in God. The peace that He gives me in trying times is so satisfying and soothing. I could not imagine going through trials and tribulations hoping I’ll get lucky.
I hadn’t taken my Clomid pills in three months. I just needed a break. I told myself I would start with the new cycle of pills come February. I wanted to get through the holidays and my husbands birthday with a clear mind solely trusting God. I felt good. I wasn’t dreading each month. I wasn’t counting the days that I was ovulating. I just enjoyed time with my husband letting things be what they would be, and BOOM! February I found out I was pregnant! My husbands birthday is in January and we both received a gift! I hadn’t even started back popping my pills yet! Thank God I didn’t though, right!
Don’t get beaten by the battle. Get better because of the battle. It’s hard, it’s really hard to try and fathom things in times of difficulties. But Gods timing will always out do us. He knows what we need. When we yearn for the things we want. Trust the process. Trust Him.
I’m Just Saying…
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