There is another kind of trust God has been teaching me in this season.
TRUSTING MYSELF AGAIN.
Not trusting myself apart from Him.
Not believing that I will always make the right decision, say the right thing, or respond perfectly.
But learning to trust the woman God is developing in me.
Because if I’m honest, there have been times when other people’s betrayal and hurt made me question them, and eventually made me question myself.
I questioned my judgement.
My decisions.
My communication.
My discernment.
My ability to know when to speak and when to be quiet.
There have been conversations I regret having and conversations I regret not having.
Times I spoke up and was wrong.
Times I was loud and wrong.
Strong and wrong.
And I have to be honest about that.
But I also have to be honest about not saying anything, ever. That is where the foundation of resentment grew. Being quiet, keeping the peace was what was familiar. You don’t speak up. You just stay quiet. Move on. Be avoidant. Act like nothing happened. Act like nothing bothers you. Even as an adult.
Sometimes I wasn’t communicating how someone made me feel; I was reacting to how I felt.
Sometimes I was responding from hurt instead of wisdom.
And sometimes I was simply doing what was familiar.
That part is kind of hard to admit.
Because familiar doesn’t always mean right.
Sometimes familiar is simply what you’ve seen.
What you’ve been around.
What you’ve learned from watching other people handle conflict.
How you’ve seen people respond when they’re angry.
How you’ve seen people communicate when they feel disrespected.
How you’ve seen people handle disagreements, disappointments, rejection, or hurt.
And because it was familiar, I thought it was normal.
Because it was normal I thought it was right.
But God has shown me that familiarity is not the same thing as wisdom.
And I don’t want to blame everyone who influenced me for the ways I responded.
Ha. Trust me, I have my own part.
There were things I should have known better.
But there were things I didn’t know better.
Spiritually.
And there were things I knew better about only after I had already lived through the consequences.
But grace has taught me that conviction is not the same thing as condemnation.
God can show me where I was wrong without telling me that I am forever incapable of being right.
And that’s where I’m learning to trust myself again.
I Don’t Want Fear to Become My New Personality
After walking through betrayal, disappointment, and hurt, I became super duper cautious.
Then cautious became hesitant.
And sometimes hesitant became afraid.
I can pick up my phone excited to share something with someone, and suddenly put it right back down.
No.
Maybe I shouldn’t.
Maybe I’m saying too much.
Maybe I’m making the wrong decision.
Maybe I shouldn’t trust my judgment.
And I understand where that hesitation came from.
I’ve lived through seasons where things I thought were small became very significant later.
Things I thought were no big deal ended up becoming a big deal in the worst season of my life.
So now my mind wants to analyze everything.
Every conversation.
Every decision.
Every reaction.
Every word.
And sometimes I have to ask myself:
Is this discernment…or am I afraid to trust myself?
Because I don’t want my past mistakes to become the dictator of my present decisions. I don’t want to live afraid of making another wrong choice. I don’t want to become so afraid of speaking incorrectly that I stop speaking at all.
And I don’t want to become so afraid of being misunderstood that I never communicate honestly. God did not call me to live paralyzed by my past.
He called me to grow in wisdom.
“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God…” James 1:5
So I’m asking.
Daily.
Lord, give me wisdom.
Give me discernment.
Give me understanding.
Show me when to speak.
Show me when to be quiet.
Show me how to communicate without anger.
Show me how to be gentle without becoming prideful.
And when I don’t know…teach me.
I Want to Be Bold Again. But This Time, Wise.
This is probably one of the biggest things God has been working on in me.
I don’t want to lose my boldness because I once used it incorrectly.
I don’t want to become quiet because I remember being loud and wrong.
I don’t want to stop standing up for myself because I remember the times I stood up from anger and not from wisdom.
I want to become bold and courageous again but submitted to God.
I want to be brave enough to tell the truth about my experiences.
Even when the truth isn’t convenient.
Even when I have to stand alone.
And sometimes the truth isn’t about someone else at all.
Sometimes the truth is about me.
I have to be brave enough to tell the truth about my own behavior.
My own mistakes.
My own patterns.
My own immaturity.
My own fear.
My own growth.
Because trusting myself again means I have to trust myself enough to be honest with myself.
I don’t want to continue doing things simply because “that’s how I’ve always done it.”
I want to ask:
“Is this how God is asking me to respond now?”
That’s different.
Because sometimes courage isn’t being the loudest person in the room. Sometimes courage is being calm enough to tell the truth. Sometimes courage is apologizing.
Sometimes courage is saying, “I was wrong.”
Sometimes courage is saying, “That hurt me.”
Sometimes courage is saying, “I don’t agree.”
Sometimes courage is saying, “I need a boundary.”
Sometimes courage is saying, “No.“
Sometimes courage is saying nothing at all.
And sometimes courage is standing completely alone and still refusing to compromise what you know to be true.
I Am Not Who I Was When I Made Those Decisions
Now, this is where I have to give myself some grace. Because I can look back and see things clearly now that I could not see then.
That’s growth.
I can recognize patterns now that I didn’t recognize before.
That’s growth.
I can identify passive- aggressive communication now because I’ve experienced what it looks like.
I can recognize displaced anger.
I can recognize fear disguised as certainity.
I can recognize resent towards me.
I can recognize when I’m tempted to do something simply because it’s familiar.
And I can pause.
That pause is growth.
I don’t have to hate the woman I was in order to become the woman I’m becoming. I can take responsibility without living in shame.
I can say, “I should have known better,” while also admitting, “I didn’t know better then.”
And now that I know better, I want to do better. Not perfectly. But most definitely intentionally.
I want my boldness to come from wisdom instead of anger. I want my communication to come from truth instead of fear. I want my discernment to come from God instead of suspicion. I want my decisions to come from prayer instead of pressure. And I want to trust that God has actually been developing something in me.
Because I am intelligent.
I am capable.
I can learn.
I can grow.
I can make wise decisions.
And when I don’t know, I know where to go for wisdom.
“For the Lord giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding.”
– Proverbs 2:6
MAYBE TRUSTING MYSELF AGAIN DOESN’T MEAN TRUSTING MYSELF ALONE
Ha. Maybe that is the lesson.
I’m not learning to trust myself because I suddenly believe I have all the answers. I’m learning to trust myself because I know Who I’m trusting first.
God.
He is teaching me how to listen.
How to discern.
How to communicate.
How to wait.
How to speak.
How to be quiet.
How to recognize what is familiar without automatically calling it right.
How to be bold without being loud.
How to be strong without being wrong.
How to tell the truth without using the truth as a weapon.
And perhaps that’s what trusting myself again really means:
Trusting the woman God is developing in me enough to believe that I don’t have to repeat who I used to be. 😌
I can make a different decision.
I can have a different conversation.
I can respond differently.
I can pause.
I can pray.
I can ask for wisdom.
I can listen.
I can speak.
And if I make a mistake?
I can learn from it without deciding that I am incapable of making a wise decision ever again.
Because I don’t want fear to have the final say over my life.
I don’t want familiarity to keep me comfortable in places God is calling me to grow.
And I don’t want to be bold only when I’m wrong.
I want to be bold when I’m right.
I want to be courageous when I’m uncomfortable.
I want to be brave when I stand alone.
And most importantly, I want to be humble enough to let God correct me when I’m not.
Because trusting myself again isn’t saying, “I know best.”
It’s saying, “God is teaching me, and I trust Him enough to believe that I am learning.”
That is the woman I’m becoming.
And I’m learning to trust her, boldly.
Before I Go…
With all that being said, I’m learning to ask God for discernment about the people, patterns, and things surrounding me.
Because sometimes we love people deeply. Sometimes something feels right simply because it’s familiar. And sometimes we’ve accepted certain ways of communicating, reacting, thinking, or responding simply because that’s what eve always known.
But familiarity doesn’t make something healthy. And just because something was normal to me doesn’t mean it has to remain normal for me.
Proverbs 4:23 tells us to guard our hearts, and I’m learning that guarding my heart doesn’t mean living suspicious of everyone. It means being intentional about what I allow to shape me.
I have the right to grow. I have the right to change my mind. I have the right to communicate differently now that I know better. I don’t have to keep reacting just because reacting is what I’ve always done. I can pause. I can be quiet. I can be still. I can respond instead of react. And yes, there is a difference. I can walk away without needing to prove my point. And I can choose wisdom over pride.
I am not ashamed of who I was. But I’m also not obligated to remain her.
God is teaching me that growth sometimes looks like becoming unfamiliar with the things that once felt familiar. And I’m learning to trust Him enough to let Him change me.
Sit With This 🤎
Take a moment before you move on. Don’t rush to answer these. Sit with them, pray over them, but mostly, be honest with yourself.
- Where in life have I been second- guessing myself because of mistakes I’ve made in the past?
- Am I responding from wisdom, or am I reacting from fear, hurt, pride, or familiarity?
- What have I made “normal” simply because it is what I’ve always known?
- Is there a way I communicate, handle conflict, or respond to people that God may be asking me to change?
- Where do I need to become quiet and still instead of feeling like I have to prove my point or have the last word?
- What would it look like for me to trust God with my decisions instead of allowing past mistakes to dictate my present ones?
- Where is God asking me to be bold, not reckless, not prideful, but wise and courageous, even if I have to stand alone?
And maybe the question I’m sitting with most:
What if trusting myself again doesn’t mean trusting myself more than God, but trusting God enough to believe that He is teaching me how to become wiser?
Take that one with you. 🤎
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Until then, keep seeking Him. 🤎
Talk soon and God Bless.