Talk about a world wind of emotions. Chile! It was a couple of times during our trip where I thought I was going to loose my mind. I did once actually. Like, the roller coaster of emotions were overwhelming! But somehow, we held each other up and together. Some way or the other. When they say team work makes the dream work, they weren’t lying! I am a true believer of, everybody needs somebody. Because….I mean, I don’t. I don’t even know what to say. I’m still in disbelief for real. I feel like I’ve been walking around like a mummy all June. Not really knowing how to feel. What to say. What not to say. Jesus. Jesus be a fence.
And the humidity in Virginia man!!! I am not even trying to go there! But it’s hard not too! I mean, if you don’t understand the difference between humidity and dry heat, then don’t even hurt yaself trying to understand because, it’s just, boarder line depressing. I mean, whhhyy!! It can be 103 degrees at home in California, and I legit have to be outside for an hour to start sweating. I went and checked the mail at home in Virginia, (84 degrees) and when I got back in the house, I was soaked. I mean, not soaked, but close enough to it. That’s himidity for ya. #Agggy One reason why we don’t want to move back to the east coast. Yeah, it’s that real. Mmm…K.
So…
’I’m Home Now’
And Chile….
We fitting to laugh together, cry together, we just gonna get it all out! I have so many thoughts, things I was thinking in the worse time of life. Some things are random, some or not. Some are messages I wrote in my journals. Woo-sah. This trip home was, it was different. It was an eye opener to a lot of things. To a lot of people. I took so much from this trip home. I learned a lot about myself on this trip. I learned a lot about my husband. (I’m so proud of him. Mmm.) I learned a lot about us. And in all truth, I’m so proud of what we’ve become to each other. I wouldn’t have it, us, any other way.
One of thee worse things happened to one of us. My husbands mom passed away. Ma. My husbands life has changed forever. What can I do? (Is how I felt.) To see him in pain, breaks my heart. It breaks my heart! I’m so hopeless and helpless to a solution to such a detrimental time. I know, I know. Trust me. I know what you’re saying. Because I would’ve told myself the same thing if I was the one NOT going through it. I just want to help someone I love so much. Ya know? I mean, it’s hard to put into words. The same way he wants to protect me from the fears of life, is the same way I want to protect him. I know it’s nothing I could do in the bigger aspect of things. I just….
Ugh.
On a brighter note, we have so much to chit chat about!
I have to feel you in on so much! Motion sickness (Again.) Geesh! The sleepless nights, the rain storms, fried chicken, fried chicken. (Haha. I bet your like, what!?) The joy of having babysitters. My weight loss! Our Easter egg hunt we had in June. The list goes on Chile. What a bittersweet stay at home. I learned a lot and loved a lot. Plus, the immense amount of tears that were shared. Chile, I feel like I found a new part of my inner being. I feel like I’m closer to my husband in a way I’ve never felt before. Life happened. And it’s real.
First thing first, my motion sickness is aggy as all get out. I’m so over it. I’m making a doctors appointment this week to talk to someone about this crap mess. Yes, I said, crap mess! I made it through BOTH plane rides. Only to get in the car and get sick as a stray dog on the way home!!! WHAT DA! We’re 2 1/2 hours from Vegas. We flew into Vegas (Cheaper than flying into L.A. or Palm Springs.) We had the rental ready for us when we got there and what not, ya know, everything was smooth sailing.
Until….I started spinning. I had to tell bae to pull over. I just knew I was about to throw up! I hate throwing up. Yes, I hate it. I know hate is a strong word, but that’s how much I hate throwing up, so. We made it home safe and sound. Thank you Jesus. I called it quits early that night. Woo Chile. Once my motion sickness gets to far out of wack, I’m sick until. So yeah, that’s that. I ain’t fitting to linger on that. It has already taken enough out of me.
All jokes aside though, 2018 has been a rough year so far. For many people. It’s just heartbreaking ya know. I’m so thankful to God for continuing to carry my family and myself through. But dang. Somedays I’m like, “I see hills. Hills. And more hills. And more hills.” If it ain’t one thing, it’s another, until it breaks you. I know Ma would say something like, ‘Your not broken baby. Maybe bent, but not broken. I just heard her laugh.?
Now. I refuse to fake and front as if I had it or have it all put together right now. God wasn’t lying when He said there wouldn’t be days of sadness. But I know, I know He’ll carry me through. So yeah.
I know where my help comes from. Whether my hands are tied or untied. See to me, you can’t get anything better than a praying wife. A wife that is on her hands and knees, heck, forehead to the ground, in prayer for her mans strength, enduration, peace, happiness, etc, etc! That’s a ride or die! Mmm…k! I pray for my husband constantly. He doesn’t even know it! When my church family met Rob for the first time, it was as if they knew him already. I mean, I’m a sense they did. When I prayed, they prayed. When I prayed for him, they prayed for him. When I didn’t pray for him, they still prayed for him. Listen, there is power in prayed. If you’re trying to figure out a solutio in your life, you better start praying!!! At times it may seem easier said than done. But, the way I see it is, who else can I talk to, that will send help? Real help. Help that goes way pass my own understanding. Me being a ride or die (Folks done took that to a whole other level of stupid. Speaking for myself. *Clears throat.*) is me being a praying wife. To me, Satan, tries to take our men out. Our husbands, our fathers, our sons, and our brothers. What worries women is men in general. (NOT ALL THE TIME!) Once you take a man out. Satan already feels as if he has won, because taking out a man, is breaking a wife’s heart, a mother’s heart, a sisters heart, and so forth and so on. It’s almost like a domino effect. DO YOU FOLLOW ME?? Now, I’m not saying this to be facts Chile, these are just some thoughts I have a night when I’m laying in bed. God knows it’s problems over top of problems in life that all don’t have to deal with men. I’m just saying if you look at things from a different perspective. For example, fatherless daughters.
Pray for your man Chile. Whether you’re with him, or hoping for him. You better pray! Prayer will give you peace. Prayer will give you hope. Prayer will allow you to walk with ya head held high when you’re feeling mighty low. Pray!
Okay. Enough about that Chile. Some people may understand. Some people won’t. Either way….
I just found this note (I stay writing things down.) One thing that I will always have, is paper and pen. The note says, I REFUSE TO BE SCARED TO DIE, AND LIVE. #NoFear
I remember when I wrote that, wow. It’s amazing how God works. *Clears throat* Anyways…
Now, some would say I’m lying after I say this. A few will say, that sounds like something April would say. But umm..before I had my daughter I was not afraid to die. I was more afraid of living with something. For example, instead of being afraid of dying in a car accident. I would fear becoming paralyzed. Ya know, something to that effect. But not dying. “Dying is easy.” I used to say. For me, not when you have a child. I won’t say what in detail out of pure respect for my husband and family what made me feel this way. But what I saw, changed my perspective on death. Not fearing death, that is. I have something to live for. Someone to live for. Now, I didn’t just come to this conclusion. I felt this same feeling the day I found out I was pregnant. I just understand it in a different depth now. So, I say that to say this. We have enough bad days in our lives, that is against our hands. We can’t stop it, or control it. Stop worrying all. the. time. Stop making ya own messes, blaming it on the devil, and then stressing about it too. (That’s another one. We’ve all been at fault for that too at some time in our lives.)
Moving on….
I have learned to appreciate the past more than often these days. More than used too I should say. Even the problem parts.
The past can hold a lot of bad things, yeah, I know. But it also can also create memories, that can make you laugh. The growth. The time spent.
My mother in law was everything. I was her daughter in law before I was even her daughter in law. I remember that was my contact name in her cell phone. ‘Daughter in law.’ There was a picture of me too. One that I took in her bedroom with her phone. Rob was in Japan then. Ugh. Good ole bittersweet days.
I kind of sorta enjoy riding around when we get back home. Somethings are the same, but then again, a lot has changed. It’s crazy how things look smaller too. Rob and me will ride around and go back down memory lane. Or even share new stories. HA-HA! That one is always fun. (Teehee.) So much has changed. Some of it is surreal. One day things are like this. And just like that, it can change.
One day at a time Superman.
Signed,
A Praying Wife.
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