Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14: 27
(Inhale, exhale.) Chile, week two of being postpartum was Rough. Rough with a capital R. Honestly, I can’t even explain what I was feeling to its full potential. Feelings just hit me out of nowhere. It feels like it was straight out the blue, slam out of nowhere. Ha. It’s staggering after 34 years I now know what it means when they say, ‘I didn’t know whether I was coming or going.’ Don’t get me wrong nie, I have had my share of trials and tribulations in my lifetime. Whew Jesus. But this mommy guilt I felt was heavy. I felt helpless which led to me feeling hopeless. Now I know some will ask do I have postpartum depression. No. Not that I’m overlooking it or not wanting to accept it because I don’t think I’m to good or so good that I can dodge anything or to above it to feel it. But after a conversation and evaluation I’ve learned it’s okay to not be okay. To adjust and to be overwhelmed. It’s okay to be human! But I’m definitely keeping a close I on me. I’m honest with what I’m feeling. Just keep me in your prayers Chile! Thank you. 😘 When i tell you this has been and still is a journey, we ain’t even hit chapter 2 yet! But don’t you worry. I’m gonna take you on this ride with me. Mmhmm, sholl is.
My husband and I had to stay in the hospital days after I gave birth. That alone was worrisome and exhausting. Not to mention the excruciating pain I was in after having my third caesarean and having to be rushed back into surgery a few hours after giving birth. Chile!! 😧🫣 (I’ll save that story for another blog post, k.) After a few days of being home, BOOM, it’s like I hit a wall. I just felt overwhelming overwhelmed and agitated. And then the feeling of guilt rushed in like a cold winter wind. Once everything settled, I just…I don’t know. ☹️
I instantly ran to the shower. I sobbed. I didn’t know the water from my tears. The shower is my altar. It’s something about hot water and Jesus. For awhile I just stood there and cried. I didn’t pray, I didn’t do anything. I just stood there…and cried. (Tears are liquid prayers.)
All I Need by Brian Courtney Wilson was on repeat. I let the words speak for me. Ya know, one of my favorite scriptures is, Romans 8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.
Listen, happiness is fleeting. Peace is where we find strength and gratitude. And God knows I have everything to be grateful for. When I look at my life and the people I have in it. MMmm, God is so good. Chile, just looking back over this journey alone speaks volumes. It sure is a story to be told and I’m sure gonna tell it and I’m taking you with me. Each day I realize how blessed I am. I know that I am blessed, but when I’m quiet and still it’s deeper than what words can fathom. At least for me it is.
P.S. You know the enemy hates when you know you’re blessed. But Chile, he can’t stand when you say it. So say it!
I AM BLESSED.
Last week I felt like I was neglecting my girls. I’m still healing from two surgeries. I’m moving slow. I can’t do all the thangs that I’m use to doing with them and for them. That bothered me a lot. I think that’s what bothered me the most. Chile, and being sleep deprived in the midst of sadness is not for the weak. Have you ever had one bad feeling, thought, or moment and it just trickles down to other feelings and emotions that have nothing to do with nothing but take over everything in your body and your mind? Or is it just me?
The solace that we find in prayer is a blessing. Thank God for Jesus ain’t it?! I don’t even know all that I prayed for that night in the shower. I just knew that from that moment on I would go to God first, not last. I ain’t that good with life that I think I can handle something on my own. You know that the devil will make you think one bad moment in a day means you have whole bad life. Like your world is just doomed. Chile, I thought that I was doomed. And for what? Now, not to take away from how I felt or feel. Because we’re all entitled to our emotions and that shouldn’t be taken lightly. But I had to take a authentic moment to recognize what really matters. It has to come full circle.⭕️ I know the enemy wants to take us out in the most precious moments of our lives. We can’t get moments back and he knows that.
Friday I got my tail up early and got my hair done. I thank my hairstylist for squeezing me in. See, God be in every moment of our lives showing up for our wants and needs. These are the thangs that I look over sometimes. Until these are the moments that give me that bounce back.
I do believe when you look good you feel good. Plus, getting my hair washed was therapy in itself. Whew Chile, you know it ain’t nothing like a good ole hair wash. My husband bought me one of my favorite Starbucks drinks, a brown suga espresso with oat milk. Venti size!🧋Simple pleasures Chile, simple pleasures. I don’t care what anyone says self- maintenance is a pick me up.
**I got me some goodies the other day to start off the new week. I’m definitely a foodie, I love a good meal. But I’m a drinkie too! I love me a good ole drink nie. Especially if it’s for the greater good of my health and the wealth of my body. These wellness shots are everythang!**
I’m learning to rest. I’m learning to let thangs just be and that it is perfectly fine to get back to it later. I’m learning that it’s okay to do absolutely nothing at all. So, yeah that’s me and what I battle with. I don’t have a issue at all asking for help. I’m not the type that has a circle of people who love me and I choose to suffer in silence. To me that doesn’t logically make sense. But we all have our battles and reasons why. I get it. I’m learning and trying to swallow the issue of ‘right now.’ Just because I want it to be done right now doesn’t mean it has to be done RIGHT NOW! It can wait. Hell, people can wait too. It’s okay to just let it be and get back to it later. Ugh. That’s difficult for me.
When I want something done, I like to get it done. When I want something, I want it now. My self- awareness knows that that is the spoiled hardworking woman in me. God knows I’m trying. And after what I experienced a couple of weeks ago, I’m thankful to be here resting and not resting in peace if you know what I mean. So, yeah God, keep working on me. I see You and I feel You too.
Welp, there’s that Chile. What a journey this has been. ‘It ain’t perfect, but everything’s beautiful, yeah.’ God, I thank You. We’re healthy. We’re whole. We’re together in love and in life. And everything that I thought was impossible, God made it possible. Duh!!
** Shout out to my husband, I love you Bae. Thank you, for every single thang! 🥹**
Alright nie Chile, I’ll be back. I have to tend to my fifty leven churin. (Tee-hee.) 😆🥰
I’m Just Saying…💋
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