The Main Character

Just like everyone else, I too have had my share of failure, sadness, trials, ups, downs, uncertainty, fear, confusion, frustration, anger, I’ve been down right heart broken and broke all at the same time. Every possibility seem impossible. Running in a maze of hate. Too weak to pray. Too tired to close my eyes. Some nights I would lay in my bed flat on my back looking up at the ceiling just waiting for an angel to come and save me from the torture. Most days after awhile, if someone asked me how I felt, I’d just simply say, “I don’t know anymore.” I’d walk away before anyone could further ask questions. Because bringing up his name would make me lose my breath. And if I started to speak and hear our truth, I’d just cry anyways. Why waste time anyways. I refused to be anyones pitty party. I shortly learned everyone that asked me was I okay could care less. They were probably ready to make moves if they had not already. I needed prayer but I always felt preyed on so I kept all my emotions to myself. School was beneficial for the future, but not right now. I made so much money but I was always broke. I stayed on the highway, North, South. Nort. South. I was good at pretending around people. I told lies to get out of stuff. I reneged on opportunities and events because I just didn’t want to be, bothered. Dark rooms and sad lyrics was my daily routine once I was alone. Other times I just burned gas riding around, clueless to where I was going and what I was doing. The only thing that I was sure of at this time in my life was that I just did not feel good. I could not stand how I felt. I hated it. I hated it. I hated it. My head hurt, my heart hurt, my neck was always tense. And I thought at one point there would be a permanent mark on my forehead from a consistent frown. I was thinking about my pain when I wasn’t even thinking about my pain. 

Until….

One day I walked in a church. Full of attitude, regret, and anger. I just needed to release everything. Every hurt. Every disappointment. Every closed door. Every no. Every let down. Everything that made me feel like I wanted to lay my own soul to rest because I was at my breaking point. I was fed up. And I was draining in my own sorrow. I always felt weak. I always felt fragile. I was vulnerable. Every single sense of hope I had just back fired in my face. So this one day, I made a wise choice to give it up.  *****Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you***** (1Peter 5:7)

I no longer cared about love, money, careers, school or whatever else can drive you crazy. I didn’t want it anymore. And I refused to continue to hold on to it. I walked through those doors and I could feel the heat from my tears on my face drip all the way pass my chin down my chest. I was not ashamed at all. I was on a man hunt for PEACE. Not only did I want it but I needed it. My soul needed it. My temple needed it. That was the only way I’d survive. No more slammed doors in my face! I went running to someone bigger than me. Bigger than all this heap of a mess that knew me. God please help me, if you’re really there I know you will rescuse me from this cold, cold world. At first I set down, calmly even though I was fueled with fire. The devil kept making me debate with myself. With my emotions. 

Then….

I walked to the alter. And I felt it already. I had made that first step. I grew up in church. Reading bible verses was a normal thing in my childhood. My brothers always remembered them better than me. But I never understood then as a child how much I would need them at that moment. *****And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ*****(Philippians 4:7)

I kept whispering, “Jesus please help. Jesus please fix this. Right all my wrongs. Make me happy. Make me happy. Make me happy. Make me happy. Make me happy. Make me happy. Please. Please. No turning back Jesus. I’m here. I’m here. Help me. Help me! Help me! Jesus! Help me.” 

And then….

I fell to my knees. God all mighty. The ruler of all things. Fix it. Take away this pain. This hurt. *****The Lord is near to those who are discouraged; He saves those who have lost all hope***** (Psalm 34:8)

I do not want misery to be my company anymore. I’m all out of hope it makes me feel paralyzed and I’m all out of fight. I have nothing left in me, nothing. Help me. You know all my transgressions. You know all my secrets. You know all my shame. Take it away. Make it my past. Fix my present and please pave my way to the future. I screamed. I cried. I pleaded.

That day, that day was one of the best days of my life. I was freed. My pain didn’t go away instintiously but I had peace and love for myself when I left my soon to be church. My church family soon became the helping hands of my agony and pain. And as time move on and past things became past things. I had energy to shout for joy. I woke up in the morning with a prayer and scripture. And with those things I kept it moving knowing that the God I served would make it better than alright. *****Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart***** (Psalm 37:4)

I’ve been through some real trying times in my life. If I were to think back on some times I would say, “dang that really, really sucked.” I don’t care to mention exaxlty what, but I will tell you it was enough to drive me to the alter. You know how it goes. When it rains, it pours. But I’ve trusted people with all my heart. And they lied. They cheated. They stole. Whatever! Point is, if I could easyily forgive people over and over and over again, then why can’t I give God a chance that I give people? That is exactly what I asked myself in my bathroom mirror before I left the house to go to church. People have failed me so many times. And I have failed people too. I do not for one second of the day think that when my husband walks in the house after a mighty long shift that that was luck that allowed him to get home safe and sound. That I wouldn’t have to mourn him in the morning. That my daughter, our baby wakes up every morning happy and healthy. And me, I am grateful for the healthy life I have. I’m not sick. I’m not bed ridden or outside my mind in some insane asylum. I’m not locked up in some box or cage in a prison or in a jail. Because I would not want you to bring my daughter to come see me like that. God please.

 I do not think these things, ALL these things, happen just because I am lucky. No. 

My mother. My father. My brother(s). My niece, family, friends, the great people that are in my life, are happy, healthy, they may bend but they won’t break.’I’m blessed. I’m covered. I’m grateful for my family. I appreciate people now more than I ever have before. Some people wake up and do not have that.

After my baby girl was born she had some minor issues. I say minor because the Doctor told me to “be very thankful Mrs. Jones, your baby is the healthiest baby on this floor.” Prior to her making that statement I asked her was the floor usually this full? I’ve never ever felt what Naomi makes me feel. And when I tell you my hands were tied. There was nothing I could physically do as making her better. Mentally I was not okay. Emotionally I was scared, really scared. The thought of what could have happened scared me more than anything. You know one thing I learned in that experience is that, we’re really okay when the problems are happening. It’s the fear of what could happen because of the problems that scare us. It is no way I would except someone saying I was lucky. As Naomi left that hospital healthy as a fresh glass of pure water. She was, is perfect. No way. No way I’d ever believe that was luck. That’s all God. All God. All I had was a prayer and a notebook. Every three hours the nurse had to come in the room and do a procedure and while she did it I prayed for my daughter and for her. Every nurse, every doctor.  I wrote down my prayers. It’s in Naomis journal. I plan to give it to her when she gets older. “You pray baby. Don’t you ever stop praying.” That’s what I tell her now.

Do I still feel pain sometimes? Yes. Do I cry? Yes. Do I have to over come fear? Yes. Do I worry? Yes I do. But I will never forget my father said to me once, “You know how you trust me to give you something when you ask for it. Me, yes daddy. Well do that with God, give Him a chance.”

I was so lost in life at one point. And God landed me here. Just what I prayed for. Now I pray for things like,  old healthly and happy. That’s my prayer all the time, every day. I want my husband and me to grow to together, married, best friend, OLD, HEALTHY and HAPPY. In the name of Jesus!! I pray that my daughter will be a leader and not a follower, she will be fearless, strong, bold. She will respect people, rather they’re right, wrong, or indifferent. “Love baby. Be free. Be courageous. Be kind. Don’t hold back. Integrity, know it. Have ! Always pray, even when it gets really bad. Be honest. Always stand up for yourself. Be smart. Think. Use the good sense God gave you. Never give in and never give up. Be brave. Always look a person in their eyes. Always shack with a firm hand shake. Have self-awareness. You don’t always try and be right. You and learn something from being wrong. Stand up for what you believe in. Never think you’re standing alone. Your daddy and I will always be with you. Always. Your so beautiful. Inside and out. I be you. And God, He’s there, trust me, He is. You may not see Him. But if you be still, You’ll feel Him. And if you listen, you’ll hear Him. I pray these things. I tell Naomi these things now.

And I trust God for it. I really really do. Man has failed me many many times. And I’ve failed people too. But every time I call on the name Jesus, a miracle seems to happen. That’s multiple, multiple coincidences so you’d say. That’s God. I trust in someone bigger than me.

“I got joy in my heart. Angels on my side” -Carrie Underwood 

I love God. I love Him so much. And I’m not ashamed of that. As long as I write this story called Life, Jesus will always be the main character in it. Life is about choices and I do hope you chose wisely.

I’m Just Saying…