A Vulnerable Moment in My Life

Vulnerable, susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.

Helpless. Defenseless. Powerless. Impotent. Weak, Susceptible.

Oh my goodness, don’t you just hate feeling, vulnerable? Like a sitting duck in the middle of nowhere, and everyone is just watching you. You feel like people can see right through you, but yet they do not understand, at all. The energy, the exhaustion, the tears and the frustration, it’s just all too much. Just a little bit too much.

It’s a lot going on right now. Not more that I can stand, but more than what I want to deal with.This move alone is a lot already in itself. I’m so excited about the adventure of it all, but let me tell you, it has it’s moments. I know that there has got to be a blessing coming with the heat being this high in the kitchen. It doesn’t even have to be something major. It may be the tiniest thing to make me feel like you’re about to scream, but don’t. It’s been a few long days in between days and I am over the stress of it all. So, today when the moving company didn’t tell us what we wanted to hear exactly, I instantly got in a sour mood. (The sucky part of military life.) I could feel my face drop. “Not this too.” Is what I said. I had already texted like two of my sister/friends to share the unwelcoming news. But then, I’m looking at Rob and he’s on the phone, and he’s all nice and calm. And I knew he wasn’t being fake, ya know. I know him enough to know. Like, he wasn’t forcing himself to be nice, you know what I mean. He was just doing what he had to do, to get what he needed to get done, done. I was thinking to myself like, if he’s not complaining and fussy about what just happened, why should I. We’re a team, and it’s nothing like a teammate that would rather waste time complaining, than trying to figure out other options for what needs to be done. So, I inhaled, and then I exhaled. And I said, “God I know that You will make a way out of no way. You have before, and there is no doubt in my mind that You wont do it again.” We’ve been enjoying ourselves. Hanging out with family and friends, shopping, eating good, ya know. Rob is catching up on sleep he missed out on for three years, which is very much impossible, and I’m walking in new neighbors. Naomi and me are enjoying the scenery. (We walk every day all day for those who are wondering what I’m talking about.) This move is a lot. And it’s my first time too. AND IN ALL TRUTH, FIRST IMPRESSION AIN’T SO HOT!!!!

But you know what? Even though my brain is racking and I’m sighing more than I want too, Naomi is happy, healthy, and having a ball. She’s loving all the attention too! So, yeah, that right there is enough to always see my glass half full instead of half empty.

Hey, I just look at it like this. My scrapbook for this one is about to be exciting. Especially when the kids get older, and Rob and me are all old and gray. I will be thinking about this time, this very day, and I know I will smile.

You  see this mood that I am in? This all had to be a choice this morning when I woke up. Because forreal, forreal, this week has been a long week already, for so many reasons, and I just needed to cry. In the strength of his arms I did. It’s all too much. More than enough that I care to share. All I know is a lot of amazing things have happened since I turned 28, and a few detrimental things have happened too. I take it all in stride and look for the lesson that is in it all.This will definitely be a time that will be remembered. Vulnerable. I don’t even want my husband to see me in a certain place, mentally and emotionally , ya know. But in all truth, after God, I really need him (husband) right now. I am looking forward to so many things that are too come with what God has truly blessed me with already. And now I know that everything will come to pass! I just know it! Because when all hell breaks loose, that’s when God is working the most, believe that!!

Vulnerable. That’s me. I cant stand it. It requires me to put all this energy into talking to people that love me about stuff I really don’t want to talk about. Telling people how I really feel doesn’t make me feel strong. I just simply cant stand it. It’s one of the worst things ever. I mean, it’s all in the word itself, vulnerable, the potential of hurt. There is really no compass for hurt, pain only leads you to more pain. When one thing hurts, it makes other things resurface and hurt too. I don’t have time to hurt.

Yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou are with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. -Psalm 23:4


I’m Just Saying….

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