It Is What It Is

Man listen, the older I get. Naw. The more mature I get. I reckon you can say wiser, maybe? *Ha-Ha!*
The older I get, the more my perspective on life, people, places, and things change. Wow. I promise I use to have some petty thoughts. I ain’t lying. Not attractive at all. *Yuck* We’ll thank God for Jesus. Things I use to trip about just don’t matter. Like, I ain’t keeping up with the trends and what the nay sayers are saying today. I’m over here learning the life of motherhood with a two year old, and ways I can better myself as a wife, and person. Like, my thought process is on a whole other caliber. Like, when I go back to school. What am I going to major in this time. How many classes I need to take. Yeah know, being I’ve never went to school with a kid. I don’t have it all in the bag. But I am glad to see action towards the things I want to do better at.

Anyways. * I be drifting off* I feel like I stay telling stories within a story.

So, yeah, a lot of times I will laugh, and then ask myself the infamous question. I be like, “Girl! What in the Sam Hill were you thinking? Or! Were you even thinking at all?” And, the funny thing is, I know exactly why I did some of the things I did. To make things look like what I made it look like, and not what it really was. I was completely miserable, with plenty of money. The money I made. The more accolades I started to get under my belt. I really think was the most unhappiest I was in life. Like, everything else was wrong. I was just  plan on miserable for more reasons than one. The brighter the sun shinned. The harder it would rain it seemed like. Like, that type of thing, ya know?

And when it rained! Oh! It poured! I didn’t even care about the money. Big ups to all the ‘Money doesn’t make you happy.’ speeches. I saved a lot, but I bought a lot too. A lot of things I didn’t need. I smiled all the time, but I wasn’t ever really present in the moment I feel like.
I traveled a lot to say I did it. It was fun. It was cool. For sure. But looking back, I spent a lot of money putting up a façade. Sometimes I would go just because. Now, there were times when I legit wanted and needed to get away. Ya know, just to get away from everything else I had going on at the time that was a struggle.
After I did a 10k marathon I was so motivated! After high school, and marching for soooo many years, I wasn’t much of an athletic anymore. So, when I trained for that marathon and lost weight, I loved the results. I was like, “Okay, honey! I see you!” So, I decided to get a trainer. I had lost about twenty something pounds, and I wanted to keep the momentum going, ya know.
So, yeah, I got a trainer. And for real, for real. I think I liked the idea of it, more than I like actually having a trainer. Now, don’t get me wrong! Overall it was a good thing. It educated me, it disciplined me, and it made me consistent to my work outs. But guess what! It wasn’t worth it at the end in the long run for me! Because I left the state of Virginia on a contract with my trainer, and I’m still paying on it right now. All that money, and all these installments. Shoot! At one point I didn’t even need a trainer. Some days I hardly even ate to gain any weight to tell you the truth.

I drove a BMW, but I had to move out of my apartment to pay college tuition. My car was my home. Not literally, but in other words. Now, once again. Don’t get me wrong. I love my car! I still have ‘Whitney’ to this day. I’m proud of that car. Not because it’s a BMW, but because I wanted it, I could afford it, and so I got it! But let me tell you something Chile! If I thought then, how I think now, I would have put the amount I got the car for in the bank right after I paid full price for my braces. I would love to say I would have put money towards buying a house. But if I didn’t get married, I don’t know where I would have wanted to settle down at. So, I don’t think I would have been quite ready for that. But now, I would put a house before a car any day!
The more money I got. The more money I spent. I did a lot of smart things with my money. Things that still pave the way today. Things that still give me opportunities today, even with all the traveling I do. But God knows! I’ve done a lot of stupid things too. First off, I would like to take a moment of silence for all the money I spent on eating out. From the drive thru, to table tops in restaurants.
I tore Highway 95 up! I mean, I-tore-it-up!! I ain’t lying. The back and forth. Up and down. Ripping and running. Trying to figure it out along the way. I just didn’t want to be at home.
I chased and craved a relationship that was so toxic, I’d cry tears of poison. But a lot of people didn’t know that either. I mean, not only was it any of anyone’s business. But I wanted to make it look like what I wanted it to look like. Not what it really was.
I felt like I was in a mid-life crisis. I should say, a mid-twenties crisis. I really didn’t know what I really wanted to do anymore. Who I wanted to be. I aspired to really get to know some of my hidden talents. Not what just made a lot of money. But made sense, to me.
All in all, what I am trying to say is this, I was a straight up bag lady! I carried around more baggage then what I should have been, because I was too busy pretending. Over compensating and putting up a façade of a structural life, that was organized chaos. Constantly.

But, I wanted to make everything look like what I wanted it to look like. And not what it was.

Do you be faking it til’ you can make it?

I’m Just Saying…