So. What’s the Big Secret?

One of the chapters in our love story. ❤️

It’s kind of difficult for me to speak about or even think about, me and Robs past. Not because of all the scars and bruises we gave each other when we were so immature. But because my mother in law was there for a lot of those scars and bruises. Our childish ways, our prideful ways, and everything else that gets in the way of being able to genuinely love someone. We’ll, she was there for all of that. She would be so proud of us right now. To know she’s not here is unfair to me, ya know. But I understand it. ?

Every story has its scars, right?

Its Been Awhile.

I hadn’t talked to Rob in ova a year. For multiple reasons if you’re wondering why. I remember the last time I called him. I knew it was going to be a long time before I spoke to him again! If I eva did speak to him again!  Tuh! You wanna know why? We’ll let me back track, juuust a little bit for you. Before I made this particular phone call, we were already on indefinable grounds. No, were no longer together as a couple. But we we were no longer April and Rob either. I know you may not understand what that means, but. So our conversations were already scarce, few, far and in between. My sister n law told me that Rob was about to deploy to Afghanistan (For the second time.) Putting my pride aside. One day while driving 95 South, I decided to call him. I didn’t have his number saved in my phone, but come on! Of course I knew his number by heart. All parts of that man I know by heart. What you mean? I mustered up enough ‘whatever’ to put my feelings aside. I wanted to call, hear his voice, tell him I still loved him to the moon and back and around the world infinity times regardless of what, and to please get back safe! Regardless of all the things that had transpired between us throughout the years. I still cared about him, and most definitely his safety. I wanted him to know that too. By the end of my thoughts, I had even thought about sending him a nice ole care package when he got there. I dialed his number, the phone rang twice. I’ll neva, eva foget. And then there ya go! A ? answers his phone!!!

Awh man. My heart dropped. That was a first. No one! Let alone a hussy has neva answered the phone! And yes, I said hussy. I can’t say what I said back then. Ain’t no shame I my game. That Chile was so many this, that, and the third. I ain’t even know the Chile. Don’t judge me. Don’t act like you above it. I almost pressed on breaks in the middle of the highway. But I won’t about to let ha know I was freaking out on the otha end of the phone either. Ya feel me. And let me just make one thing clear, I knew this then and I know this now, ok! Rob ain’t let that lady answer his phone. Nor did he tell her to answer it. He ain’t wit the (you know what.) Rob ain’t with the female rah-rah. He ain’t about to just let some chick answer his phone, and yes, especially on ME. He know I will pull up! SKRT! SKRT! Ask about me! We done been there and done that. Y’all want to hear that story too. Haha. I was pulling up on Rob when he wasn’t even my boyfriend. Don’t play with me. That’s ah fact!! (Who knows I ain’t neva played about Rob?!) *Clears throat*  Okay, now, moving on.

So, this chick answers the phone like,

Ha: Hello! All googely and smiley. (No attitude at all. Actually polite.)

Yours truly:  Hey. Is Rob around? 

Ha: No. He’s not in right now. (Still polite.) 

Yours truly: Ok. Well thank you! (So perky and FAKE.) 

Chile! If I didn’t need my phone! I would have thrown it out the window. Straight up! Smoke was coming out of my ears! My heart hurt. Nah. Forget that. My heart ached! I hated him for that. And nope, I didn’t like ha eitha. So what! I didn’t know ha. But she knew him. And that was good enough reason for me. Now don’t act like you ain’t neva not like a chick ova a man. Heck. I done been there done that too. Whole chick mad at me cause her half a man trying to get with me. And majority of the time it be someone that I am so not into. So yeah. We done all been in a lot of situations and scenarios. (Omg! Some of this is low key embarrassing. ? Ha. But it’s my truth. I want to be honest with you.)

I remember getting to Ronoak Rapids, NC and turning around. I went to the gas station and parked. It was right off the highway. I just set there for a minute. I wasn’t there long. Just long enough to gather my thoughts that’s all. Like, “Yo. What just happened?” I didn’t cry. I remember wanting to, but I couldn’t. It’s like my body rejected those emotions. Instead, I went into survivor mode. I road back home in complete silence. A difference one single day can make. 

Like A Moth To The Flame.

Months had passed, and I ain’t even gonna lie Chile, I was hurt. Like, “Oh you done moved on, moved on?!” Meanwhile, I’m here feeling like a fool, trying to figure it all out. Still not really wanting to move on. Still wondering, “What if?” I couldn’t stand his tail for making me feel so weak and vulnerable. I was so full of resentment. What could I say though. It wasn’t like he had lied about anything. Or wasn’t a free man to do so. But still. What about me? “I get it. Like, I really really get it. But still?.” (That was a daily thought everyday for a long time. For reasons I rather not speak about. Woo–wee Chile!) I eventually moved on ya know. Stayed in church, dated a little here and there. Thing is, I moved on, but I didn’t get over it. Or, over him I should say. I moved on because I had to. Not because he had a hussy, but because I needed to move on. I prayed for the gift of goodbye. I was done, done! I told myself, “The next time you hear from that negro. He is going to be calling you!” Straight up! Trust me, it wasn’t a day I didn’t think about that man. He could have been a day dream or a skit. Either way, he was always a thought. Each day got better. As months passed I got my me back little by little. I was even interested in a particular guy. I started to laugh more for no reason at all. My day to day conversations with my girls were no longer about this __❌____. And then, just like that, one day, him called. Now! How many of my ladies know, they always come back!? Don’t always be flattered by that though. I mean, I’d come back to me too. Ha. It’s what you do when they come back around. Are they on the same oh, same oh? Are you only pressing repeat on this fool? And please! Please don’t say, “he cried.” Ugh. And!!! Tell him to catch up! I think it’s so lame that a woman feels sorry for a man and will take a man back because he cried while still lying to you just to get back into your good graces. After he done made you cry a million and one times. Anyways. (Now, I’m not going to get into the details of the ins and outs of this ordeal. We gots to keep some things for us and God. And oh yeah, you too Kenisha. ❤️Haha.) 

He called me from Afghanistan. We talked for hours upon hours. He would loose connection sometimes. But he kept calling back. We talked for a while. My heart smiled. His voice, I hadn’t heard it in a long time. For the first time in our history of knowing each other, we’ve never went that long without hearing from one another. I was proud of myself. But I was also scared. What was happening? What was about to happen? What does this all mean? The affects he had on me still, after all this time. The affect that I still had on him. Like a moth to a flame. 

When He Asked Me.

I was standing in my living room in the dark when Rob asked me to go with him to the Marine Corps Ball. I had just walked in from work. I worked a shift at Apple Bee’s that night. It was a Tuesday, I remember. Rob and me had been conversing on the phone a lot lately. So being on the phone wasn’t different. But him asking me to the Ball was very different. To say the least, I was flattered. I thought it was cute, it was sweet. And like he said, “You deserve it.” 

Wayment!! Hold up! I know y’all like hold up. Where his girlfriend? Ha! What girlfriend? They were broken up before he called me. Which I would expect no less from Rob. He never ever called me, spoke to me, nothing while him and that gal were together. Any argument any female done had about me with Rob was because off their own insecurities. If Rob Jones would have called me when he had a girlfriend I wouldn’t be married to him now! That would have changed everything I knew about him. Only some will read in between the lines of what i just said. 

”Put Your Seat Belt On”

I thought it was cute how he drove four hours to come get me from Havelock, NC to Richmond Va. So I wouldn’t be in unfamiliar territory so late at night trying to get to get him. He came to my job and we left together in separate cars. It was another late night at work and I still had an immense amount of homework to get done. It was late, midnight. I’d never been to Cherry Point, were he was stationed before. This was all new to me. So, I think he was a real gentleman to come and get little ole me. The Ball was the very next day. A Wednesday. He followed me to my place. I wanted to change into something more comfortable. Plus, I had to grab my dress. I had been living in Richmond for over a year at this time. He had never been to my house before, since we first got back linked up in late September. (He called me in August though. From Afghan.) So, we were getting real comfortable. Shoot, we were already comfy cozy. I mean let’s be real. We were already back sleeping with each otha soooo. That’s the thing, we always can pick up where we left off. #Chemistry. The car ride was um, was very interesting to say the least. I was happy. Really happy actually. I mean. I love this man. I am in love with this man. And a four hour car ride, locked in with one another. “Just me and you.” I had butterflies. I still have butterflies. Rob makes me nervous sometimes. (Tee-hee.) We had our very own car party. The snacks were lit. And ‘Go DJ’ (Me. Haha.) is always lit with the music. I’ve always worked the music, even now. I’ll go from, Whitney Houston to Kendrick Lamar in minutes. We talked, really caught up. It was cool. Real cool. My expectations had been met. But all that just made me wonder why we weren’t together. And just like that, I’d appear happy. But my thoughts were sad. My mind was surrounded with questions. He was so chill wit it. Let’s go with the flow type of thing. And I’m like, “NO __❌__ NO!” I refuse to spend my twenties, “talking” to someone who loves me and I love them. Ya feel me? Like, what type of foolishness is that?! Shoot! I’m not saying that just because you love someone you have to be with them, no! But I’m talking about my kind of love. What the heck does talking mean anyways?? I hear people say all the time, “Titles don’t matter.” So “talking” does? Speaking for myself. But for me, titles matter. It’s many reasons why we can say they don’t. But understand this. Do you want to be a CEO of a company, and be called an assistant? That’s how I looked at relationships. And that’s how I’ve always thought when it came to men. It’s levels to this! I’m not going to go to school forever without graduating. I’m not going to any job and work and not expect a promotion or a raise. So, I don’t expect a man to “talk” to me, with doubles standards and no title. Titles differitiate between who is who and what is what. Are you a cook, waitress, bar tender or manager? You the doctor, nurse, or receptionist? Titles matter. To whom much is given much is required. So are you the “talk” to, girlfriend, or wife? Like now, if someone addressed me as Rob girlfriend, you can be sure that I will address it. And the person who is like, well some still blah blah blah with a title. You’ve probably been NONE of these things huh? My expectations I have for Rob as my husband is different from the expectations I had for him as my boyfriend and friend before that. Saying titles don’t matter means you’re trying to water down a situation that you could change if you could. My opinion. I’m Just Saying….

We made it to the gate on base about 4 o’clock in the morning. Rob had to be up in two hours. He didn’t go to sleep. He left for work that morning a little after 6 o’clock. I laid there, in his bed. Things had changed fast. One year ago he was a memory. And the following year he was on top of me. “What am I doing?” Many nights you’ve cried from the things he’s did. So many nights you’ve cried from the things you’ve done to him.” (Mm.) I could have been anywhere but where I was. But I always chose him. I mean, Rob was never a option when it came to some one else anyways. I’d leave a man sitting at a table for Rob. He’s the one I always wanted. And truth be told, he gave me a second chance. Not the other way around. He didn’t need a diamond key to open my heart. “Why is he doing this? Men are so corny with expressing their feelings.” (My thoughts as I still lay in his bed.) “He got me so confused. I just cried and cried like, God please let this work.” 

THE BALL

We got dressed together. I believe we had to be there at 6 o’clock. We left the house. It was cold and wet. It had rained the night before and the day of the Ball.  It was definitely a inside type of night. But I felt like the town was ours regardless. The rain just made for better sex later. I was ready to walk arm and arm with “my man.” Well, you know what I mean. We were “talking” (Ha.) The Ball wasn’t on base. I rememeber the ride being about thirty minutes or so . Before we left, I remember Rob wanting to stop over he’s home boys house. Their still close to this very day. However, it was a win, lose situation for me. His homeboys wife was like besties with Robs ex. Chile. I know. Another one of those times when I wanted to jap slap Rob in the back of his head. My defense was up because I’m low key pissed off and I don’t know who his wife is and how she is about to come off. Come on. You know you can neva be too sure. I don’t underestimate anyone. That’s how you get caught slipping. And I know women to be catty and petty, so.  However, I really liked her. She was sweet, welcoming, and so pretty. We had a good time that night. She and I chit chatted through out the night. Pictures were taken. We drank a little bit, or a lot. (Chile it don’t take me much.) We danced, goofed around. I felt slighted when Rob would introduce me to some of his colleagues or higher ups though. They would smile and keep it moving. Not rude. But also not interested. Now. It’s so different. Now they want to shake my hand, ask where I’m from, and how I like it here. “I guess that’s the privilege of being a wife.” (I thought. *Rolls eyes*) We goofed around all night. Just living in the moment. One of Robs old homeboys drove us home. Ha. His wife had just had their new born. So she had to sit that one out. For those who don’t know. The Ball is maditory for the Marine. The Ball is for them and about them. Yes, I’m Robs wife, but at the Ball I’m a guest. Haha. Nah, but you get what I’m saying right? So, if there is a time when I ain’t able to go to the Ball for whatever reason, Rob has nothing to do with that. Except!! Except!! If it’s a birth, death ya know. Things like that. Other than that, the General (Whoever.) ain’t trying tuh hear it. 

I got my dress from Macy’s. Cheap and cute. Mr. Jones got my shoes and clutch bag. They were not so cheap. Haha. I don’t care how much money I make. I love my man to drop money on me. Hey. My momma told me don’t fool with cheap men or jealous men. (Thanks momma.❤️) We both had chicken, roasted potatoes, and veggies for dinner. There’s option between steak, chicken, and veggie entrees. Pretty good if I do say so myself. I felt pretty. A little bloated, but pretty. It was a good night. I went to sleep happy. From what I can remember. Ha.

A Text Message From My Momma

The week and weekends festivities had come to an end. I was low key sad about it. I didn’t want to leave him. The car ride home would be completely unlike the car ride there. He would be dropping me off this time and not picking me up. I preferred for it to be the other way around. It was kind of late, 11 o’clock at night on a Sunday. Most people, I’m assuming are winding down, chillaxing, preparing for Monday and the weeks known and unknown happenings.

I looked out the window a lot. Not wanting him to see me pout. I had a chip on my shoulder. I’m sure he knew it. Pandora seemed to play exactly how I was feeling. I appreciated it though. I was hoping the musics words would fill (“Feel”) up his ear drums and he would hear me. I hated the fact I was so up tight about this whole situation. We had only been “talking” for a few months. But that’s it. To me, Rob and me were so passed all that bull… I’m telling you, “talking to him was not an option for me. All, or nothing at all! That was my mentality with dating period. (Not for nothing was my motto.) My phone buzzed. I knew it was a text message. I was hoping he thought it was a text message  from a guy. My mom texted me to check in, ya know. Do what mommas do. Without asking, I just went ham in the text message about how I felt at that moment. “I want to be a wife” That’s what I said, “I want to be a wife.” I Just kind of felt like we were defeated already. I wanted to be in a love where I’m living in it  and not just surviving it. I knew I’d always have that with him, but when? 

When? My momma texted back, “And you will. You will!” Welp! Momma knows best! I neva thought she’d be so right. 

I love you Baby. 

χσχσ.

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Semper Fi.